Weekly Zoot - 2/19/10 - Zooting Gingerly

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Tiger Woods stood up Friday in front of a small group of friends, and the tens of millions of people who dropped whatever it is they were doing to watch through the camera lens that Tiger spoke to directly. The press conference today was almost a no win situation for Tiger, but I think he did about as well as he could have. He seemed sincere, and I liked what he had to say. But I do wish he had taken some questions from the media. Like maybe these for example:

-Tiger, how did you get all those extra hours into your day?
6 months ago, we all thought that Tiger was the most focused and driven athlete any of us had ever seen. I thought Tiger was thinking about golf when he fell asleep, dreamed about ways to improve his short game, then woke up with new ideas about how to navigate amen corner. I was sure that he spent so much time on the golf course that he wouldn't be able to confidently pick his own children out of a lineup. I applauded his focus and drive, and I thought it was the reason he won. Now, we find out that Tiger was all over the map, living a party lifestyle that you only see in the music videos they play after 4 am on BET (anyone who is an insomniac with more than basic cable knows exactly what I am talking about). I have no idea how he was able to find time to star in a Juvenile video 24/7 and still be the most dominating athlete on the planet. I am totally against cheating, but that is pretty impressive. How many majors do you think he'd have now if he wasn't busy slaying the entire cast of Flavor of Love? Now he says he's going to focus solely on golf, and all I can think is that Jack must be seriously bummed out; I'm more confident he'll get to 18 now more than ever.

-Excuse me, Mr. Woods, what exactly did happen to your face then?
El Tigre made it very clear in his press conference that Elin did not hit him in the head with a golf club, nor was she the claws behind the scratches on his face that resulted from a car accident on thanksgiving. I wasn't there that night, so I have to take Tiger's word for it I guess. But if Elin didn't clock him, and if she wasn't chasing him, what exactly led to the car accident you got in? I'm not going to speculate because there is no way to be sure, but there must have been a reason that Tiger navigated his own driveway so unsuccessfully. I don't think it was his first time driving down it, but it could have been his first time doing so at 40 or so miles an hour. And also, am I the only one who was a little bummed out to hear that Elin didn't mess up Tiger's face? I thought she deserved the opportunity to take out some aggression on tiger, and using a golf club, the tool with which he built the lifestyle in which he lived, was so beautifully ironic. The story definitely got a little less interesting at this point.

-How awesome is a 45 day sex therapy clinic?
This question is based on my own warped and probably completely false conceptions of sleep away sex rehab. I've watched enough celebrity rehab to know how it works with drugs, i think. You check in, they make sure you have no (and I mean NO) contraband on you, then you sit around with other addicts and complain about how much you miss drugs while smoking 25-30 cigarettes a day. But in sex rehab, how do you remove the contraband from the situation? Its not like they can make tiger relinquish his 1-wood (wordplay!) at the door. Maybe I've seen too many movies about it, but I really can't see a group of sex addicts living in the same environment for too long before giving into their vice. I never think about Sex therapy as rehab, I think of it as a large collection of the easiest girls Tiger will ever meet (which is really saying something having seen some of the girls he did take home, including one that is an actual factual porn star. No really, look it up. She just came out with a video called "Tiger's mistress number 7"; can't you just feel her self-respect in that title?)

Unfortunately, Tiger didn't give the media the opportunity to ask these, or even some slightly less ridiculous questions. All in all, I think he did a pretty good job today in what was essentially a no-win situation for him. I was a Tiger fan before this all came out, and I will be again the next time he laces up his spikes. He took a significant hit to his reputation, but I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and hope that he becomes a better man for it.

Weekly Zoot - 2/11/10 - Most Wonderful Time of the Zoot

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Don't look now, but this coming weekend might be one of the best sports weekends out of the entire year. I say that with all due respect to the Super Bowl and all its pomp and circumstance; which not only crowned the under-dog everyone was rooting for, but was also as good of a game as anybody could hope for. If you're still buried under about 3 feet of snow like I and everyone else in the mid-Atlantic is, than this weekend will make sitting on your couch for 40-50 straight hours slightly more tolerable than it has been so far this week. Stretch those flipping thumbs out and check out this schedule:

Winter Olympics:
Let me preface this entire section by acknowledging that nobody really cares about the Winter Olympics, or as I like to call it, the Olympic's Dollar Menu. It has a few events that are interesting, but for the most part its sports that we are not familiar with, let alone passionate about. NBA makes Figure Skating their flagship competition, and that immediately alienates half of their viewership, and "Be Good Johnny Weir" isn't helping. In some ways, I kind of even feel bad for Curling; it has come to completely represent the Winter Olympics, and that is an unfair comparison for the sport, and the games. Having said all of that bad stuff, the Opening Ceremonies are still engaging, and they start Friday. It will be your opportunity to enjoy the Winter Olympics before the competition starts and you rememeber how bad the Winter Olympics are. I personally don't watch the Winter Olympics that much. I usually just watch the Ceremonies, then at some point in the next two weeks I have this 5 minute exchange with my television.

-Flipping through the channels I see the Winter Olympics are on, and they are covering Bobsledding. I briefly remember Cool Runnings and how much I like that movie, then I wait to see if the next team that is going to race is the Jamaican one while I sing, "We got the one Derice and the one Junior, the fastest of the fastest of Jamaican sprinters..." - which of course it never is. I give the Olympics one, maybe two more runs to produce the Jamaican team, and when they refuse I decide to just put the movie on instead.

That is the only roughly 270 seconds I will spend watching the Winter Olympiad, save for of course the Opening Ceremony. At the very least, its something worth having on mute while you're at a party or with a group of people. Its a conversation piece basically, but still worth watching.

All-Star Weekend:
The NBA goes on vacation to Dallas this weekend for its annual All-Star festivities, which now has more events and competitions than the aforementioned Olympics. There's the (ranked in order of how much I care about them)

Legend's Three Ball Competition: One legendary player, teams up with no greater from the third best player currently playing from the team they used to play for, and a WNBA player who plays in the same city, team up to play a game that makes no sense and doesn't matter. Its basically an excuse to make fun of old men who can't really play anymore. They retired for a reason, yet we keep dragging them back just to see how fat they've gotten, and how broke their jump-shot is. I have no reason why we do this.
Celebrity Game: A pick up game made up of B-list celebrities and athletes trying to piss of their team's owner. I guarantee you say, "O wow, Whats his face - I could have sworn he died" at least three times in this game. Only silver lining is TO returning to Dallas, hopefully he does something that sparks some sort of small riot.
HORSE Game: I'm not going to explain this because I know you all grew up in America and have an extensive history playing HORSE. Israeli's first NBAer Omri Casspi, will face my personal hero Rajon Rondo (pronounced entirely in falsetto) and defending champ Kevin Durant. It could be interesting, as Paupl Pierce has said that Rondo is the best player he's ever played HORse against, ever since Rondo was a rookie. Apparently he can spin shots off the backboard like no one else can, so tht something to look out for I guess. And the Durantula (Just heard it on Sportscenter, kinda like it, taking it for a walk to see how it feels) is always worth watching)
Rookie-Sophomore Game:
You know how there is no defense in the actual all-star game? Well this is an all-star game featuring players who haven't even learned to play defense yet. It's almost exclusively Alley-Oop Dunks and Threes. Luckily, we like that kind of thing.
3-point contest:
Would be better if it was actually an indication of who is the best shooter, not just who is the hottest that particular night. Last year's champ Daquan Cook is shooting 31% from behind the arc this year. It also favors guys with a fast release. Paul Pierce is shooting 47% from beyond this year, but he has virtually no shot to win this competition because of his pace and mechanics. Its pretty entertaining, but its like the Kid's Choice awards for Shooters, it doesn't really mean anything.
Dunk Contest
This should be at the top of the list, but it has become to watered down over the last decade or so. I find it shocking that Lebron will go through his career never having participated in a dunk contest. I would have expected someone who is so well-versed in the history of the game to understnad how important it was in building the legends of Michael Thompson, Dr. J, 'Niquw, Michael, and more recently Kobe and Vinsanity. No one of note is participating in the contest this year. There are some good dunkers in the competition, but the best the contest needs to be between stars, not rising stars. It's just a shame no one wants to participate anymore. I'm calling Demar Derozan to win it all the way from Friday's Dunk In; book it. That man can fly, I know from experience - I'm the guy with the white button down standing under the hoop with his arms crossed: true story.)
All-Star Game
Like I said before, the All-star game is a no defense display of dunks, but isn't that why we watch? A lot of people are critical of the all-star game because they want the players to take it more seriously - usually they just showboat until there are about 6 minutes left, then they play for the win. But I think this is how the game should be, an unbridled display of offense. It's like Ms. America, but the whole thing is the swimsuit competition. Exciting plays is why we watch, so why not make the whole game one big highlight? Either way, that's what it is, and if you like basketball, it is definitely worth watching. In continuing to toot Rondo's horn, he's the type of player who can steal the show in an all-star game. If he gets the playing time, he'll have double digit assists, and a chance at MVP.



When you add all of that with a full slate of College Basketball games, its almost too much handle - or the perfect amount if you cancel everything else you have scheduled. There's enough good sports on, that if you're proficient enough at flipping you won't have to sit through a commercial break all weekend.

Weekly Zoot - 1/26/09 - This Zoot's Got Horns

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Hey Everybody, the Zoot is back! In a new power-packed once a week version. We're gonna play a game, if you can guess which day of the week it comes out on, you win. Unfortunately the only grand prize I can only offer you is the satisfaction of knowing you were right, I couldn't get any sponsors. But anyway let's get back into it; you guys still remember sports, right? Ok good.

Then I know you still remember Brett Favre. And its actually starting to look like he might become just that, a memory. The Vikings lost to the Saints in the NFC Championship on Sunday, ending their season and Favre's fairy tale run at a Super Bowl. This entire season just sorta felt like Favre's last, so I tend to believe him (Apprehensive? me too) when he says, that his coming back for another is unlikely. I know the answer will change a million times, and we won't know for sure until some time six months from now, but this time I'm leaning towards retirement. Call me crazy, but I think there might actually be a wolf this time.

His first retirement was a brief one right before his final season in Green Bay, (that's right, this will be his fourth straight off-season in which he's retired) it was pretty clear he wanted to come back, but just didn't want to go to training camp. Then came the off-season that the City of Green Bay exploded; the one that saw Favre end up in Jets' Green. At that point, we all knew he did not want to see his career end with that interception to Corey Webster that all but sealed the NFC Championship game for the G-men. And I think we all knew Favre didn't really want to end his career with that horrifying season with the Jets (Do you remember how excited Jets fans were when they traded for him? Adorable). We knew he wanted a shot, or two, at the Packers; and we knew he would get that opportunity in Purple.

But this one feels different. Even though his season ended with a similarly devastating interception, this one to Tracy Porter. Favre's last pass has been an interception that lost the NFC Championship Game, in two out of the last three seasons-yikes. This seems like a good time for him to hang 'em up, even if this was one of his better seasons ever. Again, I won't be surprised if he gives it another go in six months (ugh).

Also: What is up with the Vikings? The first rumors about their replacement for Favre is a trade for Donovan McNabb, or one of the other Eagle's quarterbacks. First, they made Favre break up with Green Bay, now they're gonna try to pry McNabb out of Philly. I'm not ok with all this home-wrecking, get your own QB Purple.

`09 Fall Classic Preview: A view from the middle

Its that time of year again where we all get cozy on our couches pop open a cold one or zap up some hot fresh pop corn and settle in for what looks to be a week long battle. We are certainly in for a treat as the 105th fall classic features a match up of the two most prolific offenses during the regular and post seasons. The Yankees who have boasted the best record at home this season and having not lost a single post-season game in the Bronx will look to capture their 27th world title and their first since 2000 in the infamous subway series. The Phillies are looking to be the first team since the Yanks in `98 to win back-to-back title's. Only 108 miles separate these two cities in what's being called the battle for New Jersey. Here's a look at a couple story lines to throw into the mix:

1. Eliminating Umpire Error

As we have all seen throughout the playoffs this year huge umpire errors have created quite a stir among both fans and coaches especially with the replay technology that all of the covering networks employ. But some mistakes technology can't fix, for instance in Game 4 of the ALCS veteran crew chief Tim McClelland, who has been in baseball for longer than my short life of 22 years, made a huge judgement call when Yankee runners Jorge Posada and Robinson Cano were both clearly tagged out before they could safely step on the third base bag. McClelland argued that he only saw Posada get tagged and when looking over at Cano saw his foot clearly on the bag at third. But even in real time an infant could have gotten this right, both runners were clearly tagged out by third baseman Chone Figgins and should have ended any threat the Yanks could unleash that inning. In the same game McClelland again botched a tag play at third with runner Nick Swisher. Video replay's showed McClelland only looking out towards center field for the catch and his eyes were nowhere near Swisher's foot on the third base bag. An appeal was made by the Angels and Swisher was called out. So lets actually use that million dollar replay system for more controversial plays where the human eye cannot always catch or risk riots in the Big Apple and City of Brotherly Love.

2. Which Team has the defensive edge?
The two top offensive teams during the regular season also boast solid defense in the field. Phillies first baseman Ryan Howard is coming off a huge season improvement in the field. For the Yankees Mark Teixeira, has been the biggest improvement on the infield and possibly the best defensive first baseman since Wade Boggs. His range of balls in the air, his ability to dig balls out of the dirt and his powerful arm have really locked down the Yanks infield. And as we saw with the Angels in the ALCS a bad defense will almost never win in the postseason.

3. How Good are both Game 1 starters?
C.C. has been light's out all season and postseason long. With a record of 3-0 this postseason and an ERA just above 1 he has been the backbone of a solid Yanks three-man playoff rotation. Pitching on three days rest for Game 4 of the ALCS, Sabathia went eight innings at 101 pitches, the last of which was clocked at 93 mph. Thats nasty! On the opposing side former Indians teammate to Sabathia Cliff Lee has also been impressive this postseason. With a 2-0 record and an ERA (0.74) under 1.

Finally will Alex Rodriguez win his first coveted Series Championship and take Kate Hudson on a magical ride to Disney World, well only time will tell. Tune in tonight on FOX first pitch set for 7:57 p.m. ET.

Daily Zoot - 9/30/09 - A Cautionary Zoot

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-It wasn't that long ago that Francisco Liriano was Baseball's "Next Big Thing." He was originally signed by the Giants, but was acquired by the Twins in the easily forgettable trade that brought A.J. Pierzynski to the bay. After starting his rookie year in the pen, Liriano took advantage of an opportunity to start, and immediately became one of the league's best hurlers. He went 12-3 in just 16 starts, with a 2.13 era. Those are impressive numbers for any pitcher, let alone a 23-year-old rook in his first full season. He won 2 AL Rookie of the month awards that year, and would have finished with the lowest era had he not been injured before he could reach the minimum innings pitched to be considered. The injury also cost him a shot at Rookie of the Year honors, something he was considered a pretty safe lock for had he remained healthy. "Had he remained healthy" then became a phrase synonymous with the rest of Liriano's career so far.

Shortly after that 2006 season he had Tommy John surgery, a procedure to replace the ligament in the elbow that gets worn out when someone throws a baseball 500 times a day. The twisting motion of a slider does the most damage, and that was Liriano's go to pitch. He missed the entire 2007 season. By the time he returned in 2008, people had already forgotten about him. He plays in a small market, for a team that wasn't spectacularly good or bad. He pitched in and out of the minors that year, but finished strong with a 3-0 record to close the season in the majors.

This season, the wheels have totally fallen off the wagon. He is 5-13 with an era that's a shade under 6, and a 1.56 whip (walks+hits per inning pitched). His fastball is nearly what it was. He went from throwing in the mid to high 90's to throwing in the low to mid 90's. You can win with a 93 mph fastball that isn't the issue. He just can not get his slider to turn over anymore; there is no where near as much movement on it as when he was dominant. So now he has to pitch to the corners, and throw way more change-ups than he wants. The results speak for themselves.

I'm writing about Francisco, because no one seems to care whats going on with this sure thing prospect who is still only 25-years old. I am calling it now (and I expect to be held accountable) Liriano finishes next year with at least 10 wins, and a winning record. It took Chris Carpenter a few years to bounce back from Tommy John, and now he is back to being a Cy Young candidate. I'm hoping that its the same with Liriano.

Daily Zoot - 9/23/09 - The Annexation Puerto Zoot

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Saturday's game between Urban Meyer's Florida Gators, and Lane Kiffin's Tennessee Volunteers was expected to be a heated game between two rivals with both traditional, and new-found hate for one another. I expected Lane Kiffin to rile up his troops to earn him his first win against a big SEC power house. But more than that I expected the Florida Buzzsaw to leave nothing more than little shreds of orange fabric on the field. It turned out to be little more than a lull in the action.

Heading into this past off-season, Florida and Tennesse was no longer one of the premier rivalries in College Football. Florida had won four straight, and the game had lost some of its intrigue nationwide. Lane the Brain (and I call him that because he was able to drum up all this attention for a team that isn't so good, smart move if you ask me. one of you asked me, right?) all but guaranteed a win against Florida in his first presser, then accused the Florida staff of NCAA violations at a public event a few weeks later; accusations which would prove untrue. Urbania Meyer (Urbania is a better football name than Urban; Little Giants anyone? Home of Kevin and Danny O'Shea?) hung up little Kiffin quotes and snippets and pictures around his locker room to try and fire his guys up. Everyone including myself thought that to be a strategy that would prove successful. Everyone including myself also thought that Florida would destroy Tennessee when they met. The bad blood continued to simmer until the kickoff last Saturday afternoon in Gainesville...

Then the game happened, Florida wins by an uninspiring 10 points, 23-13. Everyone including myself was disappointed.

I for one thought the whole thing to be over; I thought wrong. Let's play a favorite game of mine: What they said/what they meant

Kiffin came out on Monday and said he couldn't wait to face Florida next year without Tebow because he is such a great player.
Superman is all they got. Take #15 out of this one and we win this game.

Meyer responded to criticisms of the narrowness of Florida's victory by saying he went with a conservative approach because Tennessee wasn't coaching to win, and that a lot of his players had the flu.
Lane doesn't know how to coach a team to win a game in this conference, we didn't even have to try to win to do so. Our guys are better than theirs even when we're all swined out.

Kiffin, when asked if any of his players were sick, said he would wait until his team played a game they were unenthusiastic about, then he would say they had the flu.
F%&@ YOU URBAN!

I get it, you two don't really like each other, and that's great; I support, endorse, and encourage that. I just wish you could make the game itself as aggressive and mean spirited as your press-conferences. Let us out here enjoy all this hate with you. Thank You.

Daily Zoot - 9/22/09 - Zoot Rain Delay

Hey Everybody, I apologize but there will be no Zoot today. I got a bunch of other things to do. Unfortunately ThemSports isn't the only thing I am responsible for with my time, so unless somebody out there wants to start paying me there are gonna have to be days like this. Check back in tomorrow, we should be back on track.

Daily Zoot - 9/17/09 - Fumble-Zoot-ski

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Last Monday night, with his Buffalo Bills clinging to a 5 point lead, return man Leodis McKelvin fielded a kickoff a few yards deep in his own end zone. Being the return man that he is, he tried to return it (go figure). He got to about the 20 when he started encountering some opposition. Patriots FS Brandon Meriweather delivered a big hit, but McKelvin stayed standing - which would prove to be his biggest mistake. Meriweather then teamed up with teammate Pierre Woods to strip the ball from McKelvin, and the Pats would recover. The Patriots would then march down the short remainder of the field and score in the final moments to win the game.

Buffalo had led for most of the contest, and the defeat was a heart-breaker for the whole city (can I call Buffalo a city? Isn't it just a slightly larger than normal group of people who have come together to try and use each others body heat to stay warm in an otherwise frigid upstate New York? Does that count as a city these days?). But people are going a bit too far in their treating of McKelvin. Recently, some Buffalo teenagers (is there a more angst ridden group of indivuduals than teenagers who are forced to live in Buffalo?) vandalized his front yard. I'll admit that he should not have taken the ball out of the end zone, and that once he did he should have done a better job at securing it, but we can't criticize a player for doing something that had it gone well we would be praising him for. If he had returned it for a touchdown, there wouldn't be a single word coming out that he should have knelt.

Last Thursday, everyone was on Hines Ward's case about potentially fumbling the game away on the four yard line after making a play that appeared to set up the game winning field goal. everyone clamored, "He should have taken a knee! Why doesn't he just take a knee!? Won't somebody stop him?!" His entire life, people have been telling Hines to get the ball in the end zone. But now he's supposed to go against his entire life of conditioning? The only thing on his mind is getting in the end zone, and frankly that's exactly what I would want from any of my players.

Taking a knee to preserve a win has only happened once that I can remember (Brian westbrook a few years ago) in recent memory. He was universally praised, but at the time people also couldn't believe his headiness; how could he possibly think to do this? What a smart play! But when the opposite happens, we expect that the athlete to go back on everything they know and make the play that's foreign to them.

I'm not saying that it is unreasonable to think that McKelvin could have taken a knee on that kickoff; and I concede that it probably did cost the Bills the game. I just don't think that you can get too angry at a player who is just doing everything he was ever taught, and trying as hard as he can to help his team win.

Daily Zoot - 9/16/09 - Zoot Clearing Brawl

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Last night the Yankees and the Blue Jays got themselves into one hell of a donnybrook. The entire fight can be seen here. In a very large nutshell;

-The Yanks were getting pasted by the Blue Jays last night. Edwin Encarnacion gets plunked after homering earlier in the game. Not a huge deal, this kind of thing happens all the time. Slightly later, Aaron Hill got hit in the same place Encarnacion did and I start to get the feeling it might have been intentional (call me crazy). As Jorge Posada came to the plate later in the game, only those in the stands too young to understand the retribution system in baseball didn't know what was coming next; Jorge was getting beaned and he was getting beaned bad. Blue Jays reliever Jesse Carlson threw a ball behind Posada (which I think is something I would be pleased about if I was posada, but he seemed to feel very strongly opposed). He started to walk to the mound, and mouthed to the pitcher, "You don't want to do that." The pitcher yelled something back, we can assume it was along the lines of, "Actually I did want to do that. In fact, thats exactly what I wanted to do. From my perspective, that whole thing went swimmingly."- or something like that. Posada reached base and went on to score later in the inning. As he crossed home plate, he brushed Carlson (who was covering home like he should have) with his elbow. Posada was immediately tossed by the nearby ump. Carlson took particular exception, and started screaming again at Posada, this time probably something to the effect of, "Hey Mr. Posada, that thing you just did with your elbow right here? I wasn't a huge fan of that." Posada had already been tossed so he figured what the heck, and went after Carlson fists first. The dugouts cleared onto one another, and there were actually some pretty decent punches thrown and landed. Carlson got the worst of it, he wound up with a golf ball-sized, Jorge Posada's knuckle-shaped, welt on his forehead. One would expect the league to levy some pretty hefty fines and suspensions soon on Posada, Carlson, and a few other members of each squad in the coming days/hours.

If Baseball is as American as Apple Pie, then big bench clearing brawls in Baseball are as American as the ice cream that makes it a la mode. In theory you can have one without the other, but separately they aren't much of a dessert. I'm surprised these things don't happen more often. The Yankees and the Blue Jays are division rivals, so they play each other nearly 20 times a season. That's the kind of environment hat bad blood can thrive in - those are nearly ideal conditions.

I just hope that people don't get too worked up about it. I'm sure if you ask Jorge today, he isn't that upset anymore; and neither is Carlson, or anyone else who was involved. The second and final game of this series is tonight, and you can rest assured that the there won't be another fight like that one just because the players are still riled up from yesterday. This was just two men, and then later 50 some-odd men, working out the agression that a 162 game season can bring.

Daily Zoot - 9/15/09 - I'm Gonna Shove This Ball Down Your #$%&ing Zoot

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Over this past weekend Serena Williams was effectively kicked out of the US Open for yelling at an official. The tiny woman above (who is showing remarkably little fear despite being threatened by a woman who appears to be 2 if not 3 times her size) called a foot fault on Serena Williams on match point in her semi-final bout against eventual champion Kim Clijsters. Had she accepted the fault she would have had the opportunity to serve again, however her behavior earned her a single point penalty, and because of the situation cost her the match. Here is the event in its entirety (or should I say eternity, it starts around the 50 second mark):


The greatest irony of all is that Johnny Mac is commentating on the whole thing. The biggest jerk in tennis history, has to admonish actions that seem almost good-natured compared to the events that make up his resume. Serena of course apologized for her actions; She was so broken up about it that she proceeded to win doubles championship with sister Serena and presented at the MTV VMA's (poor kid, she's really taking it hard).

In the immediate aftermath of the event, commentators questioned whether or not Serena was permanantly tarnishing her legacy by acting so infantile. She need not look any further than Johnny himself for the answer to that question. He was the the ultimate bad-boy, and we still have no trouble remembering him for his tennis skill. In fact, he has parlayed that reputation of mis-behavior into a career as a faux-celebrity. He makes commercials, movies, and tv shows, all based on his explosive personality.

Everyone was upset about Brett Favre again this year, but because he is has been so great and loved over the course of his entire career, it doesn't really matter in the long run what he does. He will be remembered as a football player. In fact, he is even featured in a new sears commercial that pokes fun at his inability to make decisions. All you have to do is make one light hearted reference to the event, and you are in the clear. As soon as Serena wins another major, and we all love her again, this whole thing will have gone away. I give it one year before we are seeing commercials for tennis balls featuring Serena Williams that not only make reference to, but capitalize on this event, "Wilson are the only tennis balls I would every shove down your $%#&ing throat."

Daily Zoot - 9/10/09 - College Football Pre-Zoot Pt. 2

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If you were with us yesterday we started our College Football Preview off with a list of teams that I love. If you missed out there's plenty of time to catch up, I'll wait.


The subject of today's portion of the preview is a little less sunshine and lollipops, and a little more failed third-down conversions and blown defensive assignments. I don't know any of the players or coaches I'm about to write about personally so I am not saying I hate them as individuals, that would just be mean. When I say I hate these schools, I'm just saying that I hate their chances this season. For example, I'm sure the Detroit Lions are all perfectly nice guys, but Super Bowl this season? Not so much. So if you're a fan of any of these teams, don't take it personally; this is not an affront directed specifically towards you (for the most part). Now that we've got that settled, lets get on to the list.

Teams I Hate:

Penn State Nittany Lions
Yesterday I was done betting against USC, today I'm done betting on the Big Ten. Rose Bowl after Rose Bowl, championship game after championship game, Big Ten teams get thumped by teams in other conferences. The lone exception is Ohio State hanging tight with Texas in last year's Fiesta Bowl, and that still wound up as a loss. Penn State got manhandled by USC in the Rose Bowl last year. Since then they have lost their best defensive player (Aaron Maybin), another productive linebacker (Dan Connor), and their top three receivers to the NFL. Why am I supposed to believe that if they get back to BCS bowl they will fare any better than they did last year when they were much more talented? I do love Joe Pa(which is why I decided to omit any old jokes from this bit, an incredibly tough thing for me to do). And to be honest I think PSU is a win against Ohio State away from winning the Big Ten. I'm just questioning how much that title is worth.

Notre Dame Fighting Irish
Remember when I said that this article was not going to be personal for the most part? This is that least part I was referring to. I just flat out hate Notre Dame. I hate that Charlie Weiss is considered a good coach because he was able to win with Ty Willingham's players. I hate that people were shocked and appalled that Brady "the second coming" Quinn fell out of the top 10, when two years later he can only barely beat out the shadow of Derek Andersen for the starting job on a bad Cleveland Browns team. I hate Jeff Samardzija, and that I had to look up how to spell his name just now. Notre Dame was no good last year, and just as bad the year before. But because of a blowout win in a bowl game over Hawaii, they earned a pre-season top-25 ranking. Now they are ranked in the top-20, and we're about two wins away from having the pundits Label them, "back." People are excited about how many players the golden domers are returning from last year, but those are all players from a team that finished one game over .500. They might win 9-10 games this season, but not a single one against a team with any relevance.

The Entire ACC
I could have scrapped the title "teams that I hate" and just called this the Atlantic Coast Conference Preview Edition. In the first week of games, the entire conference mustered 5 wins. 3 were against 1-AA opponents, and one was against another ACC school (Even though it was Miami over a good Florida State team, I'm not counting that one because its a head-to-head, somebody had to win it). In total there was a very lonely one victory against a non-ACC division
1-A school; and that was Clemson over the perennial BCS Conference punching bag Middle Tennessee State. Its sad that one of the BCS games has to be between the "winners" of this conference and the Big East. Off the top of you head, can you name the two teams that played in the Orange Bowl Last Year? Let alone the winner? I don't think the people who organized the game itself could. Parody is a good thing to have in a league, but not if everyone is equally terrible.


Ok fine one JoePa is old joke before I go.

Joe Paterno is so old...
(you) How old is he?
Joe Paterno is so old that he considers natural causes the toughest opponent he'll have to face this season.

Thank you thank you, I'll be here all week, don't forget to tip tour waitresses. Try the Veal.

VOD - Prince Fielder is Huge in Milwaukee

Prince Fielder hits a walk off home run - but you can skip that part of the video. What you want to see is the HR celebration of the year that comes after the big man plods around the bases.

Daily Zoot - 9/9/09 - College Football Pre-Zoot pt. 1

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed to know yesterday, soon

-Welcome Ladies and Gents to the Them Sports College football Preview. I know what you're saying:

"how can this be a preview when there have already been games played?"

I'm a firm believer in not being able to rank the teams until they play at least one game. Its impossible to know what a team will look like until you see them hitting guys with different jerseys on. For example, if I wrote this article two weeks ago I might have picked Oklahoma to win the Chip this year and I would now look foolish (well, more foolish than I'm about to look with my actual picks). Now I know better; Sam Bradford and his favorite target TE Jermaine Gresham are out and I don't have to waste time with that maroon team from Norman. And I don't even have to bother mentioning Lagarette Blount at all (not that I would have), since he won't be joining us for the rest of the season. I also know what else you are saying:

"This is kind of a cop-out. If you're just gonna do it this way why don't you just wait until the end of the season and do the preview then so you can be even more right?"

And to that I say, don't be such a smart-ass. Let's get to the preview!

Teams I Love:

Florida Gators
To be honest, I would have a much easier time writing a list of things I didn't like about the Gators this year than a list of things I do like about them. So here it goes.

-I've always felt that the blue and orange is a tad ostentatious. We see you, you are all enormous men, you don't have to be so flashy for us to notice you.
-Tim Tebow is left-handed, what's that about?
-I think that everyone should have at least one first name. Florida coach Urban Meyer has an adjective first name, and a bologna last name. Maybe he could borrow one from his in-state rival Miami's Randy Shannon.

But that's it, and frankly, none of those things are good enough reasons for me to pick against the Gators this upcoming season (Even though I really hate south-paw QBs). They are my unanimous (amongst a panel of 1) pick for national champion.

USC Trojans
I'm done picking against USC. I've done it in the past for a litany of reasons, and I'm tired of always ending the season with the same Cardinal and Gold colored egg on my face. I know they have a true-freshman starting QB in Matt Barkley; but this isn't a freshman at Northern Iowa, or Jacksonville St. There's a reason this kid got a scholarship to USC; he knows how to play a little football. Barkley was the national player of the year last year at California's Mater Dei High School, and he was the number 1 overall recruit. He should be able to handle the minimal role that Coach Pete Carroll will ask him to play for the Trojans. Barkley will be at his best if he can stay invisible. Let the backs do the work, move the chains when you have to, and don't make the big mistake. I have faith that he can do that, and I think the rest of the team is strong enough to carry him into national title consideration.

Ole Miss Rebels
I like Ole Miss for a few reasons:

-Their quarterback and Heisman candidate Jevan Snead has a name best suited to play the snobby rich kid in every movie about high school angst I've ever seen. I'm sure you remember this guy, "My parents are in Europe for the week again, so big kegger at my house tonight! O wait, You're not invited Losers!" Sick Burn. But we all know the losers end up with the girl that is way out of their league but somehow totally down to earth and cool; and he ends up with the bowl of punch on his head, or drinking something gross that someone had put in his drink. What are we talking about again?
-Ole Miss is a flat-out great name, it just is, there's no two ways about it. And Rebels is almost better. The two together? Dynamite.
-They are the last team to beat Florida, which should say something about their talent. But more importantly they are not scheduled to play the Gators in the regular season (How does that happen? Get it together SEC). They could make the title game from the SEC West, and pray that someone else knocks off Florida before they have the chance to meet in Atlanta.


Those are the teams I love, that's right, just three. Come back tomorrow for the list that no major college coach wants to be on (or probably even knows about), the teams I hate.

Daily Zoot - 9/8/09 - Double Shot at Zoot

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed to know yesterday, soon

-Few times in the life of a journalist do they uncover a truly perfect news story; in fact they might never get that chance. Now that definition of perfection varies from reporter to reporter (One man's trash, and so on). When it comes to what I like to write about, I love that trash. I'm like the garbage man, I can't get enough of the stuff. That's what makes the Shawne Merriman and Tila Tequila story so perfect (to me).

First of all it involves a controversial athlete. After becoming a superstar so quickly with the Chargers, Merriman has had some trouble the last few years including a serious injury, and a positive test for steroids. He's a popular target of criticism because of his attitude and style. He's an abrasive character, and he rubs a lot of people the wrong way. That means something important in this instance. When a sandpaper athlete like this gets in trouble, there is no remorse or even a slight delay in vilifying him. Which means that those covering him will immediately be able to jump to conclusions. If Tom Brady might have potentially hit Giselle, we might give him the benefit of the doubt until the facts are sorted out. Not with Shawne, we can go right for the jugular with this one.

Now there is only so trashy a sports story can get on its own. Shawne Merriman allegedly abusing a girlfriend would be kind of grimy in its own right, but bringing in Tila Tequila to play the role of abused girlfriend is a stroke of junk story genius. Tila was the host of a bi-sexual dating show on MTV called Shot at Love. The aim of the show was for her to find love amongst a group of 30 people, half male and half female. Critics claimed she wasn't actually interested in any of the females, and that she only included them so that they could market her making out with the other girls (Not a single one of those critics was male). She wore a bikini during 90% of the taping, and the other ten was just because she had taken her top off. Real class act this one. I watched the show, I'm man enough (or not enough) to admit that. I loved every minute of it, and I think that does nothing but prove the love I claimed earlier for the trashiest of the trash.

I wasn't even aware that the two had been dating, and the surprise of that fact alone made this story tickle me. The actual facts of what happened still remain to be seen. Tila claims that Merriman choked and restrained her, while Shawne claims that Tequila was trying to drive drunk and he did all he had to to prevent her. Either way, Tequila made a citizens arrest of Merriman, which really speaks of how easy it is to make a citizens arrest. Can you imagine Tequila trying to take down Merriman? He could wear her like one of those foxes wealthy old women used to wear back when that kind of thing was popular (widely known as the time of the monacle). Merriman was then arrested, because that is the policy after a citizen's arrest, not necessarily because he was found of any wrong-doing by the police officers that responded. He paid his bail, and was back out on the practice field Monday.

When I first encounter stories like this, I react to them in stages. My growing reaction depends on how the different parts add up, and the large picture they ultimately end up painting. This particular one went like this:

Shawne Merriman,
Great Start: he went to Maryland, I go to Maryland. Also, He can kinda be a jerk, I like where this is headed.

has been arrested for abusing his girlfriend,
Well I hate to see a girl get hurt, but I do love these kinds of stories.

MTV Star Tila Tequila
Orgasm

This story will play itself out over the next couple weeks, and I will try and soak it up as much as I can before it disappears. Lord knows when I'll get the next opportunity to cover such a perfect story, if ever. There is one burning question that comes from this story that I have yet to see covered:

That makes Tila single again right? Does that mean I can start getting excited for Shot at Love 3?

Daily Zoot - 8/12/09 - Not so Welcome Back

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed to know yesterday, soon

-Wether you like it or not, it appears as though Michael Vick will find a new home in the NFL, and maybe by the end of this week. Its been two years since the whole Vick saga began to play out, and he has since spent 22 months in prison, and a full 2 seasons away from the game. Thats a long time for any player, and an eternity for a quarterback. There are two schools of thought on the future of Mike Vick, and you can't enroll in both: 

I believe Mike Vick is a reprehensible human being, who has no capacity to change his ways, and should not be allowed back into the NFL. The crime he committed is far worse than the dui's and gambling charges that are often overlooked by the league. I will picket any game Vick plays in, and my respect for the league will take a serious hit if they even consider re-instating this monster.

or

I have faith in the justice system, and I believe that if Mike Vick did the time that a jury of his peers deemed appropriate then he is adequately rehabilitated. Once he has served his time, it is not fair to deny a person the right to make a living. What he did was wrong, I am not denying that, but I think it would also be wrong to keep him out of the league, and how does that little bit about two wrongs go again?

I (back to the narrator voice) lie where I think most people do, somewhere in the middle of those two extremes. But I also tend to sway towards the latter perspective. Mike Vick did something awful, but I also believe in a person's ability to change their ways and also that everyone deserves a second chance. He has made a mistake, and I believe that he has payed for it with the jail time, and the scarlet D that he will wear on his chest for the rest of his life. Vick is one of the more exciting athletes to ever put on the pads, and there is no doubt that has played somewhat in the Roger Goodell's decision to let him play. I might not be rooting specifically for him when he comes back (and I chose the word when, as opposed to if, very carefully) but I certainly won't be rooting against him either. 

Told You So

I love to say I told you so, I absolutely love it. Especially because I'm right so infrequently. And with that said

David Ortiz tested positive for steroids in 2003

Excuse me but I believe I nailed that one. Note the day, June 8th.

I'll be accepting credit in all forms. Thank You.

Daily Zoot - 7/29/09 - Retirement Zoot

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed to know yesterday, soon

-Well thank god for that. Brett Favre has decided not to return to the Minnesota Vikings and to stay retired. It took him until two days before the Vikings were set to start training camp, but he finally came to the right decision. There is no way that Favre had either the physical tools to compete every week, or the mental tools to compete every day to be a competent NFL Quaterback (at least thats what he said). Also, I personally don't think he would be able to handle going to Lambeau Field as the visiting quarterback, and I think that played more into his decision making than anyone has reported, or than he will ever let-on. 

Favre claims this is the hardest decision he's ever made, but I think it will prove to be the right one. His arm couldn't hold up to 16 weeks last season, there is nothing that can convince me that another year of aging and a bicep surgery will somehow make him more durable. His arm looks great right now in athletic shorts throwing to high school kids in Hattiesburg Mississippi, but I know it won't look nearly as sharp (like a spoon in fact) when he's got Brian Urlacher breathing down his neck during a week 17 game on a partially frozen Soldier Field. 

But it wouldn't be a Brett Favre retirement decision without some drama. Favre set last Friday as a deadline for a decision; there was no reason for him to do this, I just think he gets off on the feeling of an unfulfilled deadline as it passes by. Then, while he was talking out of one side of his mouth to tell the Vikings he would not return, the other side of his mouth was telling reporters that he will continue to throw and work on his arm. As a result, we will continue to hear stories about wether or not he wants to return sometime in the middle of the season until, well, probably until his arm falls off.

I would personally like to thank Brett for not coming back, because I would like to enjoy the 20 minutes of daily coverage that Sportscenter can now devote to any number of different topics. 

Daily Zoot - 7/22/09 -

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed to know yesterday, soon

-Let me introduce you to Tony Bernazard. He played in the bigs from 1979-1991 in, as you can see, the golden era for mustaches in baseball. He had a spectacularly mediocre career; .260 average, 75 dingers, a few hundred rbi, nothing to really write home about. Now he is an executive in the Mets organization. He is officially an assistant to Mets GM Omar Minaya, but he pretty much just does whatever needs to be done. At some point, somebody decided he would be a good influence on some of the younger prospects; somebody decided wrong. 

Recently, the double-A  Binghamton Mets have undergone somewhat of a losing streak. They were 1-6 in a 7 game stretch and had lost the majority of those games by a bunch of runs. Bernazard took it on himself to help the team, ummmmm, re-capture its focus is I think the nicest way I can describe it. After one of those games, Bernazard delivered what i suppose was intended to be a motivational speech. Unfortunately it didn't really come out that way. 

Reports say Bernazard entered the room, promptly removed his shirt (as is the case with any successful motivational speech; there is nothing more inspiring than a middle-aged man's nipples, nothing) and challenged the team to fight him. Its unclear if he challenged the team to line up and take turns fighting him individually, or if he wanted the whole team at once, but that isn't really important. 

No one is denying that the team needed a talking to. In addition to their poor performance, there was some rumored under-age drinking going on with some of the teams younger prospects. But that talking to could have been delivered while clothed, and in a much less confrontational way. 

The act was not only obscene, it has also proven to be ineffective. The little Mets are under .500 since the tirade, and I'm sure that there is still underage drinking going on (there always is). The speech was only successful in that it made Bernazard a personal hero of mine, but I don't think that was its intention. 

Daily Zoot - 7/20/09 - The Zoot that Got Away

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed to know yesterday, soon

-When I wrote last week about how good the British Open was going to be this past weekend, it turns out I severely under-estimated it. I anticipated another; Tiger leads after 54 holes, three or four guys have a good front nine on Sunday, but then fade only to see Tiger win as we had seen so many times. That movie wasn't playing in Scotland this weekend. As a matter of fact, Tiger didn't even play well enough to make the weekend. But left the door open for a story nobody could see coming, or had ever seen before.

59-year-old Tom Watson was supposed to be little more than a statue at Turnberry. He was supposed to be a memory, someone that the fans would watch that could bring them back. In fact his arguably greatest moment came at Turnberry back in 1977, when he won the Open in a shootout with Jack Nicklaus. That was 32 years ago, and a lot of the players in this years Open field might not have even been alive to see it. 

That didn't stop Tom from making a run of his own at the Jug. Watson was at least within ear-shot of the lead after each of the first three rounds. Nobody had ever seen a player his age play so well, and be in contention at a major championship. Merely being on the leader board was one of the biggest storied golf had seen in a while. Then Sunday rolled around and no one had any idea what to expect from him. He could hold his slim lead, or he could fade and let a field of mediocre players pass him by.

Watson held strong all day through the tough cross-breezes. Then on the 72nd hole, Watson needed only par to win. He left himself a makable par putt, but didn't put a good enough swing on the ball to make it. He knew he missed it as soon as he hit it, and his face showed that he had let one get away.

He played poorly in the 4-hole playoff, and lost to Stewart Cink, which is too bad for everybody. There was not a single person who didn't want to see Watson win, including Cink from what it sounded like in his post round presser. And for Stewart, he won his first career major in a tournament that nobody will remember for who won. 

Daily Zoot - 7/15/09 -

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed to know yesterday, soon

-The appeal of the four major golf championships is very similar to that of the major tennis tournaments, they are played on completely different surfaces. The Masters is all about beauty; that is until you have to putt. The Us Open is playing with a tennis ball on a course made of velcro. The Open Championship (British) plays similarly to its tennis counterpart (Wimbledon) in that it plays low and fast. The Open isn't always played on a links style course, but this year it returns to arguably the most beautiful one in the world, Turnberry. Links golf is how the game was originally played; on flat ground, with indiscernible hole boundaries, a tree every 12 holes (if that), and more sand than Father Time's hourglass. 

Tiger Woods comes to Turnberry never having played the course before. You might think that would be a disadvantage, but you might think wrong. The last time he came to a course under those circumstances he walked away from Royal Liverpool with his 3rd Open Title back in 2006, so there goes that school of thought. Tiger has the most wins on tour this year, and oddsmakers have made him the heavy favorite. Add in some extra motivation (this is the first time Tiger has not held at least one of the four major trophies since 2004) and I tend to agree with the oddsmakers. 

Sergio Garcia has the second best odds to win the tournament, which is a bit of a surprise considering that he has yet to win a major title. But his style of play is suited for a links course. He is an exceptional ball-striker, but his putting and driving accuracy occasionally leave something to be desired. Those negatives can be neutralized (at least partially) on a course that is set up like Turnberry is. 

But again, I'm still taking tiger, because there really is no way anyone can convince me that anyone has a better chance than him. He might not be a lock, but if everyone has only got a chance to win, I'm taking the guy with the biggest slice of the pie.