Albert Heinous-worth

100 million freakin' dollars? Are you kidding me? God I wish I was that fat and strong. It's amazing how year in and year out, the Redskins manage to make some drastic move that "wins" them the offseason with rave reviews from commentary. Congratulations Dan Snyder, you are the MVP of the offseason as far as GMs are concerned.

When I sat down with Snyder in our Zoot-tacular special, he mentioned their current offseason philosophy for the team. He noted that "although actually winning games and establishing a solid post-season record are seen as important for competitive sports, [he] felt the offseason was where it was at." Unbelievable. Literally. So anyway, this deal with Heinous-worth is absolutely ridiculous with free agents on the market that are worth half the price and provide just as much. Former Raven Bart Scott has only been offered 40 mil by the Jets, Ray-ray till wants a contract and the Bucs just dropped a crap-load of defensive talent. They might work reaaaally well, but maybe that's why I'm not the GM.

I just happen to be a Redskins fan, and I can't see myself ever wanting a player for 100-million dollars unless I knew it was going to a good cause. No face-stepping, Albert.

Daily Zoot - 2/26/09

The Daily Zoot is all the News you needed to know yesterday, soon.

-This past weekend the Trinity Squash team Beat Princeton to win the NCAA Squash championship. The finals win over Princeton was the team's 202nd straight win, the longest in the history of intercollegiate athletics. It really shows that a near perfect storm of story-lines that has to occur before collegiate squash can become a national story. Normally squash gets as much publicity as Pin the Tail on the Donkey or Truth or Dare.

-In the fourth inning of his first spring training game, A-Rod responded to the steroid controversy with a 2-run get off me that carried the deep centerfield wall. 1 game, 1 at bat, 1 home run? Don't jump out of the gate too fast Alex, you don't want people to think you're back on that Dominican Crunk Juice. 

-Wednesday was moving day in the NFL as some big name players got the boot. The Tampa Buccaneers released a hand full of highly paid veterans yesterday, including Buc lifer and hall of fame linebacker Derrick Brooks. The Jets released WR Lavernues Coleslaw. Why you ask? Same reason every other team is cutting salary, clear up enough cap space for a run at Lebron in 2010. They're gonna be so pissed when he just ends up with the Yankees. 

VOD - Neal Lays Out Smith

Duke might have won the war, but Maryland wins this particular battle. Dave Neal sets a hard, clean screen and catches Smith under the Chin. Look at him writhe around like a Fight Night character that just got knocked out.

This Week on Buzz Kill, NFL Off-season Edition

Usually I try to find some balance, but the NFL had too many sobering moments to ignore.

- Roger Goodell. Took a 20% pay cut because of the economy. He also announced that the NFL is losing 169 jobs. 69. Niccceee.

- Rey Maualuga, Michael Crabtree, Brian Orakpo, Andre Smith. These probable first rounders really hurt themselves at the combine, literally.

- Marvin Harrison and Fred Taylor. I know this is professional sports and the pecking order has business above loyalty, but both these guys played for 11+ seasons with one organization. If I saw either of these guys I'd buy 'em a stiff drink, so I guess they'd be opposite of a buzz kill.

- NFL Media. We haven't heard anything about Brett Favre in over a week. The result: to date, 9 people have lost their 'Favre Frenzy' jobs. Five from Green Bay (one was the editor for the high school newspaper, so sad), two from New York, one from the NFL Network, and ESPN's Mark Schlereth.

Sign of the Times

As the economic slowdown continues to effect this country, the ACC announced yesterday that for the first time since 1966 tickets will be made available for the general public. The Georgia Dome, the host of this years tournament, is the largest venue used by the ACC seating more than 30,000 fans. Maybe the ACC is finally getting of its high horse and giving true fans a chance to experience the suit jacket throwing, bodies flying, John Scheyer crying antics that the ACC tourney offers.

On Wednesday Andy Ram became the first Israeli tennis player to play in the United Arab Emirates. Under heavy security he and doubles partner Kevin Ullyett lost in three sets to Marat Safin of Russia and David Ferrer of Spain. Just a week ago fellow Israeli Shahar Peer was denied a visa for the women's Dubai Tennis Championships tournament. Peer was relaxed enough to play in the hostile country even though he lost his match. The UAE has no diplomatic relationship with Israel, but many Israelis have dual citizenship in the country to conduct business and for international sports.

True* Story

-The Double-Stuff Racing League (DSRL) was featured in a Super Bowl Commercial. Therefore more people will have watched it than any Hockey Game this season.

Daily Zoot - 2/25/09 - Tiger's Back Edition

Tiger Woods returns today after taking nine months off for ACL reconstruction. He returns today in the first round of the WGC-Accenture Match-Play Championship. If you're watching today, the incredibly sweaty man next to Tiger on the first tee is his first round opponent Brendan Jones. Jones has about as good a chance to win today as the goat did in Jurassic Park. 

-Tiger Speak

What He Said: "my short game has gotten a little bit better."

What He Meant: "you're F***ed."

What He Said: "Both legs have been stronger than they have ever been, Stability is something I haven't had in years."

What He Meant: "You're sooooo F***ed."

New Nike Commercial for Tiger's return:

Exactly

VOD - Calhoun Goes Off

Uconn coach Jim Calhoun Rips into a reporter

News Alert

Stephon Marbury was released today, he is expected to join the Boston Celtics. We will use any excuse to show a head tattoo on this site. Dennis Rodman and Mike Tyson just does not make enough news anymore. 

Daily Zoot - 2/24/09

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed yesterday, soon

-Charles Barkley was sentenced to 5 days in jail yesterday for a DUI he got on New Years Eve. Check out the creepy mug shot. According to the Police report, Charles Barkley was driving drunk on his way to pick up a prostitute. You'd think the prostitute would have to be drunk, Zing!

-The Indianapolis Colts agreed yesterday to release long time Wide Receiver Marvin Harrison. The soft spoken Harrison won the 2008 NFL "Most Surprising Player to be Involved in a Gun Controversy" award. 

-I know it's already the VOD, but I would be remiss if I didn't talk about Devin Harris a little bit more. Keep in mind that all of that; catching it, losing it, regaining it, and shooting it from half court all in 1.8 seconds. 1.8 seconds! that's how long it takes Shaq to count to 1. 

VOD - Devin Harris Game Winner

Devin Harris loses control and regains it in time to hit the 50 ft. game winner. 

Cane's Corner: 2/24/09

All the additional crazy news stories you didn't know outside the world of sports....

In Athens, Greece two convicts escaped by helicopter, not once, but for the second time in three years. Maybe these guys could give some tips to Maurice Clarett.

A recent mother of octuplets and her mother square off in California in a video released on radaronline.com over why the daughter had additional children after already having 6. Looks like there could be some competition joining the Mannings and Williams's at the Oreo Double Stuff competition.

Former NBA star Charles Barkley pleaded guilty to prison time on Monday pertaining to DUI charges filed in Arizona back in December. The TNT analyist blew a .149 percent, nearly twice the state legal limit of .08. It's time for Barkley to start hanging out with Dick Bavetta again.

A South Carolina homeowner who caught a man trying to rob his house last Thursday, threw the man into their pool and held him at gunpoint untill authorities could arrive. It seems someone has been hanging around Chief Inspector Lee too much.

Two men attempted to rob a convenience store in Denver using women's thongs to try and cover their faces. Both pleaded guilty to robbing $100 plus cigarettes from the store. I wonder if these guys were partying too hard with Kenyon Martin at the club.

Your Weekend in Review

And yet again we have another weekend that solidifies itself in modern history with the 81st Academy Awards and some great stories from sports.

-For starters, the University of Maryland Terrapins came back from a 16-point deficit with the tremendous effort by Grievis Vasquez which merits the Prettiest Performance/Ugliest Actor award. He recorded the first triple-double since 1987, and scored the Terps first 16 points from the field. Wow.

-25 year old Jason Belmonte from Australia is "revolutionizing" bowling by bowling with two hands, and qualifying for a PBA Tour event. He apparently started this trend at 18 months when he first started to bowl, which begs the question, what child bowled with one hand at a year and a half old?

-Most intriguing to me, however, were the rampant homo-erotic comments throughout the entire commentary of the NFL Combine. Now, don't get me wrong - I looove the combine. It's unhealthy for me to have the NFL Network and irresponsible for them to play it on loop all weekend. But in no way does that merit the ridiculous comments about former Maryland TE Dan Gronkowski being a "Dreamboat" and having a "ridiculously chiseled torso" or however they eloquently put it. During the DE Linemen 40-yard time drills they must have said the phrase "fat trunks" like a thousand times. And let's just say that Rich Eisen on my television 24 hours a day got reeeeealllly weeeeird.

On a lighter note there were standout performances by WR Darius Heyward-Bey and QB Pat White in the 40-yard dash, and the LB day solidifies former Texas Longhorn Brian Orakpo as one of the biggest and fastest LBs I've seen since Terrell Suggs. He's a complete animal.

So until next time folks, remember to tune into the beginning of Spring Training baseball on Wednesday so we can enjoy another 9 months of fly-outs and double plays thanks to squealers like Conseco and A-Rod who are going to make the HR/game drop to below the 1987 average

The Winter Blues, Solved

Every year after football season ends, the sports world dives into a deep depression. Fans and the media yearn for something, or someone, to fill this void. Instead of fixating on the muscle of American sports, we are forced to watch the intriguing highlights from every meaningless regular season NBA game, including the unnecessary 7 OT games which the lottery-bound Charlotte Bobcats have made us endure. This happens every year.

Thankfully there's a true sports network, and it understands that this winter lull, while not as long, is just as painful as the two and a half summer months between the NBA playoffs and Labor Day Weekend. After watching the ratings plummet year after year, here's how the conversation between ESPN President George Bodenheimer and his Development Team went down:

Bodenheimer: "We really need something for our audience to follow during the next month or so."
Development Team: "What if we get more access to the combine and over analyze every offensive linemen who won't get drafted?"
Bode-man: "That's what the NFL Network is for. Something more interactive..."
DT: "Oh, then why don't we just do the same thing we do during baseball season?"
Heime-dawg: "Ooo, states. I love states. Lots of states?"
DT: "We don't have that much time. We could just do a few."
Heimy: "Damn. Well, President stuff is hot right now. Think about incorporating that somehow."
DT: "Hmm...Wait! We have a problem. Now that Kenny Mayne has his own thing going on, we'll need a newbie to pull this off."
Bon-Bon: "Word. Work on this president-state collabo for now. Let me worry about who's going to do it."
DT: "Who could you possibly know that would want to commit career suicide with this half-assed project?"
Bo-Diddly: "I won Rick Reilly's wedding ring at Pimlico a couple years ago. He hates Smarty Jones, and he really wants that ring back."

You Didn't Hear It From Us... pt. 1

The Investigative journalists at Them Sports were able to uncover the winners of the College Basketball end of season awards 6 weeks before any other source, take that Hannah Storm. This is part one of  a 4 part series with the results.

Them 1st Team All-Americans

C - Hasheem Thabeet-Connecticut: Will lead the NCAA in Blocks and Teeth.

F - Blake Griffin-Oklahoma: Leading NCAA in rebounding, and 1st in Big XII in scoring. 

He is last nationally in facial expression. When reached for comment he said, "Brains....."

F - Tyler Hansbrough - North Carolina: Maybe this will make up for being overlooked at the Oscars last night for best actor in a foul drawing role, yeah I said it. 

G- James Harden - Arizona State: Little known west coast guard gets love for having to put up with a terrible last name for playground ridicule. Also for wearing stockings.

G- Stephen Curry - Davidson: Nation's leading scorer is known for being son of NBA sharpshooter Dell Curry, Although I think he looks more like the son of the Slowskys.

VOD - Willenium

Will Smith nearly makes up for "Hancock" by shouting out one of our all-time favorite You Tube Clips at the Oscars last night. 

Daily Zoot - 2/23/09-Oscar Edition

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed Yesterday, Soon

-"Slum Dog Millionaire" cleaned up last night, winning among others, Best Achievement in Directing, and the biggie, Best Picture. A-Rod said when reached for comment, "O come on, you know that its not about me, that's not even funny." It was.

-Sean Penn won best actor in a leading role for portraying Harvey Milk in the movie, "Milk." I saw that movie in theaters with a few acid producing bacteria friends, totally spoiled it for me.

-Robert Downey Jr, was nominated but snubbed for his work in Tropic Thunder. The world just wasn't ready, and I thought The Wayans Brothers had opened so many doors in White Chicks. 

VOD - Shaqawockees

Shaq the Last Dance at the All Star Game

Daily Zoot - 2/20/09

-Kevin Garnett got hurt in last night Celtics game. I'm not going to joke about this, and I expect some sympathy calls this afternoon. I'll be crying in the bath tub (empty) while I listen to Natalie Imbruglia. 

-Tiger Woods announced yesterday he will be coming back next week. the press conference was the second highest attended PGA tour event since Tiger left in June. 

-Breaking News from Phoenix, Suns F Amar'e Stoudemire will miss the rest of the season, he will require eye surgery after walking in on teammate Shaquille O'neal changing post-game Wednesday. 

Lesser Known Combine Events

This week the NFL Combine is putting some of America's best College Football players through a series of rigorous tests to try and see how they might grade out in the NFL physically. Some of the events have become famous, the 40-yard dash defines draft stock for some positions, there are some events that every player runs that don't make it to NFL Network daytime.

-Talent Show. 

Each player is charged with putting together a two minute performance. After all the workouts, they set up a halftime at the super bowl game-esque stage. The event is hosted by Mario Lopez and is judged by an applause-o-meter run by Roger Goodell. Last year Joe Flacco and Glenn Dorsey won by singing "Summer Lovin' from Grease. Flacco sang the female lead, and Glenn Dorsey wore the largest leather jacket ever created. 

-Dance!

Friday Night, after the ice baths, the players have a mandatory dance with the girls from the Cheerleading Combine that is happening at the Radisson Hotel next to the Big Oil Drum. Highlights from last year:

-Colt Brennan took advantage of the only real application of a degree from University of Hawaii and wins the Limbo Contest.

-Matt ryan taught everyone how to superman that Ho.

-Felix Jones tooootttttttallllllllly made out with like 20 girls. He really is as Grimey as he looks. 

-Combine Camp Fire. 

On Saturday the Combine rents 15 or so vans and drives the players to nearby Lake Zoot. They sing Combine Songs, make smores, and every last camper wins a paper plate award. My personal Favorites:

-Jake Long won the Weens Award for eating 25 hot dogs in 12 minutes.

-Desean Jackson won the Hot Hands Hanon award for worst hands.

While a lot of press has been given to the Bench Press, and the Shuttle drills, keep in mind, that the winner of the Sack Race has won rookie of the Year 4 of the last 7 years.

Truth in Advertising

Actual Ad

Fact:

Eddy Curry>Kobe Bryant

Big Moves, Right Direction for The Blackhole

Losing season after losing season has finally forced long-time Oakland Raiders owner and Them Sports Mascot, Al Davis, to step up his off-season spending. So, over the past few days, the infamous owner and general manager has made, undoubtedly, the biggest moves of the year.

On Wednesday, Davis re-signed soon-to-be free agent punter, Shane Lechler, to a 4-year, $16 million deal. This makes him the highest paid nobody in NFL history. If the Raiders offense this year looks anything like it did last year, then Lechler will make more than $44,000 per boot. Or, if Lechler continues to break his own punting averages, he'll get more than $900 per yard that the ball travels in '09. Ha.

To assure Raider Nation that he means business this off-season, Davis locked up the only person in the NFL to have his first name start with two N's. CB Nnamdi Asomugha (NAM-Dee Aso-MU-Wah) signed a 3-year, $45.3 million contract, making him the highest paid defensive back in NFL history. Now that's a good move, having the cornerstone of your defense be someone who commentators want to avoid mentioning as much as quarterbacks want to avoid throwing to.

The always demonstrative Davis (note the bourbon & coke in the picture) has his once prominent franchise going in the right direction. After this two day spending spree, who wouldn't want to be in Oakland? Not every NFL team can boast that they have two of the highest paid players at their respective positions, even if one of their positions isn't respected.

VOD - Crazy Ovechkin Goal

Ovechkin gets by his man with the okie doke on the boards,

then scores while sliding across the ice on his back. 

Daily Zoot - 2/19/09

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed to know yesterday, soon

-Ken Griffey Jr. decided to return to Seattle yesterday, the city where he enjoyed the most success. Not a second too soon, his trade from Seattle to Cincinnati in 1999 will go down with loss of the rib-which as one of history's greatest crimes against humanity. I think that sandwich would taste better than the 400 more home runs Griffey Jr. could have hit had he stayed in Seattle. Definitely saucier. 

-After being traded to the Oklahome City Thunder on Tuesday, Tyson Chandler is heading back to New Orleans after OKC rescinded the trade late Wednesday night. Said OKC General Manager Sam Presti in a press conference, "Nothing out of the ordinary happened here, I just really like yankin chains."

-Alex Ovechkin had in insane goal last night. The event marked the first, and likely last time that Hockey will ever be talked about in the Daily Zoot. 

Uh oh.

lions, bears Holy crap Tiger Woods is going to kill everyone when he comes back to golf.

Not only does he personally say that he hasn't felt this good swinging a club in 10 years, but even other golfers are starting to feel the effects of a ridiculous return. ESPN talked to 10-year caddie and friend Steve Williams says he's ready to go but needs to get his walking endurance down. In his interview he said that Woods is at 95%, and that "you haven't operated on his heart, and you haven't operated on his head, and that's his best two components." I would've said Ellin Nordegren and his sponsorships pumping him with the best rehab possible were his best two components right now, but maybe that's why I'm not speaking on his behalf.

At already $82,354,376 in just GOLF earnings, we're not even talking marketing ops and sponsorship deals, how much more money can this guy get with a healthy swing? Personally, if you had sat me down and shown me a reel of Tiger's wins and losses across the past few years, I would've never said he was playing poorly; but now? Everyone knows he's got 14 major wins unless you've been hiding under a rock since he made his Jordan-esque rise to ridiculous fame.

 This is one to watch folks. Spoil yourselves. Buy a 60" HDTV and get Fios with a DVR.  Get ready for his comeback and when the Masters rolls around kick the family out, get enough beer for weeks and get butt-naked; you have 56/60 minutes of golf to watch in supreme awe.

This Week on Buzz Kill, Feb. 18th ed.

- Tracy McGrady. Since coming over to the Rockets, T-mac has missed 85 games due to injury, 47 this year. When will the always intriguing Rockets not have a key season ending injury going into the stretch? T-mac, Yao, and Artest is a tough match-up for any team, but not when there's only two.

- American soccer. Is pretty boy Beckham insulting?...Not one bit. Is the situation telling?...Absolutely.

- Shawn Marion. Traded the morning after dunking home a game winner. To Toronto. Enjoy the rest of your winter.

- Sean Williams. Arrested for trespassing at Boston College. I guess that's what happens when you get kicked off a team and proceed to pull a Michael Phelps in front of the cops.

Daily Zoot - 2/18/09 - All Baseball Edition

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed to know yesterday, soon

-Many Baseball teams start Spring Training in the coming days. This is time the players use to get to know each other staying up all night in their PJ's talking about their favorite things; movies, foods, places to play, injection sites...

-Which reminds me, Manny Ramirez is still unsigned, although his dreadlocks have been pegged to play Amy Winehouse's pubic hair in an upcoming movie.

-A-Rod claimed that he and an unnamed cousin procured an injectable energy supplement named Bole from the streets of the Dominican Republic 2001-2003. I understand steroids being bad, but I think his biggest mistake was buying drugs off the streets of the Dominican Republic, everything you buy there comes with Pink Eye and a Staph Infection. 

Video of the Day

San Diego State DT Jarron Gilbert is a beast. This is him jumping out of a pool with three feet of water in it. 

Glad You're Not Zach Randolph, Me Too

During last night's 140-100 walloping the Suns handed the Clippers, Zach Randolph once again demonstrated his unique ability to disappoint in the most surprising of ways. Late in the first quarter, the former Michigan State Spartan added to a long list of mishaps that have plagued his career. Frustrated that the Clips own the third worst record in the NBA, Randolph elbowed back-up Suns forward, Louis Amundson, to the floor. Then Randolph proceeded to punch him in the face after Amundson got right back up.

Randolph, who is a 6'9" 260lb beast known for banging down low with the biggest and best big men of the NBA, decided to take his frustrations out on the 225lb lankster out of UNLV. Can someone say mismatch? All joking aside, Amundson makes the Birdman, Chris Andersen, look like an all-American specimen of an athlete. The result, nothin'!

Come on, Zach. You had a free shot at someone 35lbs lighter than you. He was defenseless and not expecting anything from you. Plus, none of his teammates were even close to being able to back him up. All you could do is make him stumble and look back at you like you just asked him out on a date. Look at you. Now look at him. Now look back at yourself. Louis is more often mistaken for a taller Zac Efron than he is an actual NBA caliber athlete. You knocked him down, he stood up, faced you, took your best shot, and he just looked perplexed as to whether that was supposed to be a punch or a love tap. I, at the very least, want to see some indication of contact.

Daily Zoot - 2/17/09

-The Jaguars released Fred Taylor yesterday. Said Jags coach Jack Del Rio, "Fred, you no longer have a double shot at Love with me and Bill Romanowski." 

-A-Rod is having a press conference today. Drink each time you hear the word "Sorry." Half a beer each time you hear "fan" or "children". A full beer if there is a tear or crying. And a shot if he sounds sincere. 

-In NBA news the Sacremento Kings traded the notion of a second round pick (A protected pick they will more than likely never have give up) to the Boston Celtics for the general idea behind Sam Cassell(a player who will likely be released and stay in Boston before he even has to hit the Left Coast). It is reportedly the NBA's first completely theoretical trade. 

Will a New Sun Rise in Phoenix?

Terry Porter, was fired as Suns head coach this week, just four months into his first season. The former Spurs guard who has been in the league for 17 years signed as head coach over the summer for 3 years and $6 million. Brought in by GM Steve Kerr, Porter was hired to replace Mike D'Antoni after his departure to the Knicks.

I find it ironic that Porter was brought in because of his work ethic, integrity, dignity and class and not even three months into the season he has lost his job. The Suns are the eighth team to fire a head coach this season just one firing behind matching the most in league history. Sounds like job security in the NBA is as stable as a screen door on a submarine.

It seems that for now new head coach Alan Gentry's job is safe after a 40 point win against the clippers. As the suns, for now, sit in the ninth spot in the Western Conference can they get back to the style of basketball that made their team so dangerous in years past, I sure hope so. Or will personnel changes be the blame for a missed playoff run, only time will tell.

Shawn Marion's Jumpshot is a Hate Crime against Basketball

Legitimately, his shot is so terribly ugly that somehow God felt bad and gave him the common courtesy to allow him to shoot 48.1% in his career from the floor. I expected what I thought was a very generous 4.8%.

Now, on my quest to find us a lovely picture of Marion's jumpshot, nothing came up on NBA.com. I was baffled, but not discouraged. Immediately I went to my saving grace - google.com and their photos. Jackpot. In fact, I typed in "shawn Marion Jump Shot" and the most popular site on google was the Youtube.com video "Shawn Marion's Ugly Jumpshot." But never fail, if you don't have the internet you can see him launch chest passes on TBS over and over again at the rim all while in amazement that he could even make his way into collegiate basketball after scouts saw him shoot.

And somehow, someway - he knows how to play basketball. He can dribble, see the court, make the pass, jump, dunk, pass to the rim - everything, but shoot. I repeat, he cannot shoot. Technically. He makes baskets - but what he does is not shooting. I would say it's an involuntary elbow regurgitation.

It became clear to me that many of my problems when I played basketball sprouted from my height and reach growing drastically through my youth, and I adjusted my jumper constantly. Maybe if I had used my original jumpshot from age 3 throughout my entire life (See here) like Mr. Marion I would've grown up to be a millionaire too.

Daily Zoot - 2/16/09

-The West handled the East in the All-Star Game in Phoenix last night. Thoughts? Lots of thoughts;

-It takes a real set of melons to fire your coach during the all-star game. Steve "Watermelons" Kerr did it while his city was hosting the game. 

-Daequan Cook won the worst 3-point contest ever. 

-HD Cameras and microphones could pick up the stitches on Bill Laimbeer's jersey screaming. 

-Nate Robinson either made the best career move ever by wearing all green and becoming "Kryptonate", or the worst by inviting the leprachaun  comparison. 

-Shaq and Kobe are friends again! As long as they don't make eye contact with one another.

-Matt Kenseth won the Daytona 500. A rain shortened race is like not watching the last 15 minutes of a bad movie you have been watching on a Saturday afternoon when nothing is on. You don't really care what happens, you've just put in so much time...

-Duke lost twice this week. The Dow Jones went up last week. Take that however you would like.

To Sheetz or Not to Sheetz?

Big news coming from the Pittsburgh Steeler's over the weekend. Kicker Jeff Reed takes his towels seriously, a good thing for a franchise who's fans are unquestionably the best towel wavers in all of professional sports (my apologies to all NHL hockey teams, you all are a little half assed compared to these guys). But how serious is too serious?

Saturday morning, just before 3:00am, reacting to the lack of paper towels in a Sheetz gas station/convenience store, Reed threw himself a good ol' temper tantrum. The result, one broken towel dispenser and one shocked store clerk, questioning the integrity, character, and maturity of the two-time Super Bowl Champion.

Wait, never mind about the whole integrity thing. Reed, according to a Google Image search is more famous for partying and taking pictures of himself shirtless than he is a professional football player. I mean, look at him in this picture. He looks like a Sophomore in high school posing with the starting varsity quarterback. Just try to ignore how awkward former President Bush appears. Even then-Rookie Nate Washington, to the left, thinks Jeff Reed looks like he's taking a picture with the hot bartender at Senor Frog's in Cancun during spring break.

In the end, however, there is an important lesson for all of us to take from this Sheetz incident: When faced with the ultimate decision, it would be to your benefit to drive that extra 15 minutes to the nearest 7-Eleven in order to avoid the unkempt bathrooms of your local Sheetz.

Weekend Update

So the NBA All-Star weekend just happened, did anyone notice? No defense, Kobe and Shaq were co-MVPs, and no one could stop Lebron - sounds to me like another weekend at the office for everyone. It was nice to see Kobe and Shaq touching and talking again; and it's good to know that the last minute of the NBA All-Star game turned into a Lebron commercial to "try out" for next year's dunk competition. So, let's do the hypotheticals.


Players I think that will be able to rival Lebron:

D) None of the above


Players I think that Lebron will beat:

Everyone, because I'm pretty sure he can dunk on a 20 foot rim.


My only problem with this new-age idea of having people who are the best at basketball do all the best competitions is that we have no room for error. If Kobe and Lebron and Dwight and whomever else want to do the dunk competition, no one is going to stop them. Unless you've previously made up a gimmick and you're short enough to make a blown dunk look interesting, no one is going to give you any credit. Remember, I'm a 2010 Knicks/Lebron fan - I'm not interested in an itsy-bitsy Knicks player who dresses in green to prove to his friends that he can push off of Dwight Howard's shoulders to barely dunk.

Doesn't that player described just sound like a douchebag? This is why I can't wait for 2010 - so people can be amazed without having to worry about who has the winning outfit on.

No Way! A Baseball Star on Steroids

At this stage in it’s unraveling, the mystery behind steroids in baseball has been solved: these low-down, greedy athletes did whatever they could, used whatever advantage they could get their dirty hands on, to get more and more money. Everyday there’s another player named in some report or book, or family member-- how ‘bout that?-- who decided they wanted their head to swell up and their balls to shrivel. But I’m not so convinced the players should be the target of all the blame.

In light of the recent A-Rod coming out party, I think the players should be let off the hook for this one. Come on, there’s no way the Yankees would trade for Rodriguez, and, pick up his hefty paycheck without knowing absolutely everything about him. Come on, I bet when I officially start working for Target they’ll have read this. The Yanks gave him, at the absolute least, the most intensive physical any of us could imagine. Do you really think they were completely clueless to what he was doing? Or was George doing the physicals himself back before he got too old? Seriously, people knew what was going on, and they allowed it, which is, in turn, why everyone was doing it in the first place.

Hmm, sounds like there are others who should step forward and take some of the blame. But, that probably won’t happen. So, what I say, is that the little asterisks that we’re going to have to put on all of the records set in the so-called steroids era (please, you know it’s eventually going to happen) will simply indicate a footnote*.



*Set in the Commissioner Selig Era.

This Week on Buzz Kill

- A-Rod. Now that the supposed prototype for American baseball has admitted doing steroids, along with the rest of the greats from this generation, we can all rest easy knowing it was a level playing field. Just at a different level.

- Michael Phelps. I hope the party was fun.

- Wake Forest. After starting the season 16-0, the Demon Deacons have lost 4 of their last 6, and are currently an unimpressive 6th in the ACC. The top three teams, North Carolina, Clemson, and Duke were all victims to the suddenly inconsistent Deacons. Meanwhile, three of the bottom four teams in the ACC, Miami, NC State, and Georgia Tech claim victories over Wake. In 16 days Wake travels to 7-13 (1-8) Virginia. Can Wake get swept by the bottom four teams in ACC while sweeping the top three? They’re on their way.

- Members of the PGA Tour. Tiger getting himself back into golf shape means everyone else's paycheck is going to shrink. AND, unlike the last 2 years, there's no pain in his left knee.

Daily Zoot - 2/12/09

The Daily Zoot is all the new you needed to know Yesterday, soon

-UNC beat Duke last night. Duke borrowed Antoine Walker's shot selection, taking 24 three pointers. And his accuracy, making only 8.

-Obviously Michael Phelps gave the names of the other 8 kids. Here is how I think that Convo with the Police went.

Cop: Michael, I know this is a hard decision, but would you consider giving us the names of the other kids, for very little in re-

Mike: Absolutely

lawyer: These are your friends Michael, maybe you should think about what coul-

Mike: Thinkin' about it, Thought about, let's do it.

lawyer: Alright, but I'm warning you that yo-

Mike: Whatever, whatever; Let's get snitchin'

-Adam Dunn signed with the Washington Nationals today. Look for the Odd Couple starring Lastings Milledge and Dunn in Washington this Spring.

Lebron; No Homo

It recent months it has become clear to me that my obsession with Lebron James has hit its climax. Every night as I sit on my couch and enjoy my late night snack of Van Pelt and Scott, I cuddle up to my 11PM Sportscenter in awe at the amount of Top 10 plays this man creates. And if that wasn't enough, now I get to have my brain tickled by the commercial that has Lebron playing for the Cleveland Browns.

Kellen "soldier" Winslow Jr., Braylon Edwards, Lebron James --- that doesn't sound like too bad of a receiving core to me. Just the kind Brady Quinn needs: Freak athletes who are so big you literally cannot miss them.

But seriously, with so many athletes and celebrities in the negative spotlight how can I never find a reason to hate King James? A-rod and Torre, McGwire and his weird-ass brother, Bonds' life; I hate these things because they are always being talked about. But Lebron? He's been on the throne of every 80's/90's kid idol (Jordan) since he played in High School, is only 3 years older than me and was named 2007's #1 top earner under age 25. He's worth more than my entire family. But after all of the publicity, the can-he-do-its, the amazing plays and the stories on him every single freakin' day - I still watch with full intention with hopes that everyone fails and some how this behemoth of a man drags a team on his back to win. I watch with eagerness and amazement, with adoration and hope - and I finally came to a conclusion.. I'm a closet 2010 Knicks fan and I never even knew it.

This PTPer's Gotta Go, Baby!

When it was announced in early 2006 that ESPN had purchased the rights to Monday Night Football, sports fans around the country breathed a sigh of relief. No longer did the average sports fan have to drink themselves stupid leading up to and during America’s longest running television program. Aside from using football as an excuse to drink, so many Americans had come to the conclusion that drinking was the best way to deal with the about-to-be-senile John Madden. If being so sloppy that focusing on the game was enough of an accomplishment, fans would be able to block out the always whimsical hall of fame coach. But, thanks to ESPN’s efforts, Monday Night Football can slowly, but surely, gain back a somewhat sober audience.

However, while John Madden’s artistic talents have been removed from football prime time, there is another over-the-hill, getting way too old sports commentator who we only value for simple catch phrases as a figure head. Dick Vitale, time to go. Actually, it was time to go right after a video game was based on one of your catch phrases, Dick Vitale’s ‘Awesome Baby’ College Hoops, made in 1994. Since then, not much has changed, ‘Awesome Baby’ is still your thing, unaltered for 15 years, and, you still love Duke, actually Mike Krzyzewski, more than anything in the world. The lone difference, your partner in crime, Mike Patrick, is running out of ear plugs.

Vitale has been quietly tarnishing his reputa-- wait, his most noteworthy coaching accomplishment had to do with wooing grades for a high school player who eventually flunked out on his own. Under his tutelage, Les Carlson went from one of Jersey’s best high school ballers to a depressing Wikipedia entry in Dickie V’s biographical page. Right, he’s a hall of fame broadcaster. Inducted in 2008. At least Madden went to Canton as a coach.

Fortunately, ESPN has already begun the process of Vitale’s removal, not allowing Vitale to cover last years NCAA tournament (despite CBS’s requests). Assuming Vitale will honor his contract through the 2012-2013 season, ESPN will hopefully has plans to continue to remove Vitale from the college basketball spotlight.

Daily Zoot: 2/11/09

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed Yesterday, soon:

-Last Night Stump, a 10-year-old Sussex Spaniel was named Best in Show at Westminster, the oldest dog ever to win that award. Stump is 70 years old in people years, which makes him only 50 in Al Davis Years.

-Brett Favre retired for the second year in a row today. I hope this one sticks. Has anyone had a worse calendar year reputation wise than Favre? When Favre retired last year it was the loss of the greatest qb ever. Now Favre was basically voted off of Tool Academy by the rest of the Jets. Once known for having one of the NFL's strongest, Brett Favre's arm is now a commonly used example of something with poor tensile strength; as in "We overcooked this spaghetti, it's holding up like Brett Favre's arm." The question remains, does he enter the hall as a Falcon or as a Jet?

-I wish there was no steroid controversy. I'm fine with steroids, it's the controversy that kills me. A-Rod did an interview with Peter Gammons this week in which he apologized for using steroids. It felt like I was watching Frost/Nixon. The worst part is that this story will never die. On a side note, looking back, its pretty obvious that everyone was using steroids; Barry Bonds' whole body looks like Popeye's arms.

-Duke v. UNC is tonight, which means Dickie V. will be announcing it on ESPN. This is a friendly reminder to make sure the mute button on your remote is working and that you have backup batteries. 

Things to do until next football season

When the Super Bowl ended, I like many Americans found myself wondering what I was going to do with myself without football until next fall. I was even more disappointed this week when I found out on Monday that the Pro Bowl had happened over the weekend. Sure there is the NFL Draft, or Mel Kiper Appreciation Day, but without that there isn't a lot going on, so here are some things you can try doing while the NFL is out of season.

-Hit the Strip Clubs with Adam Jones. Can you imagine the thunderstorm he's going to bring to some strip club now that he doesn't have to worry about getting in trouble with the NFL? So long Adam, Welcome back Pacman!

-Follow every stage of spring training. First Pitchers and Catchers, this week. Then when the fielders come, then the meaningless spring training games where players with numbers in the 70's and 80's get more run than the guys we've bought tickets to see. Then the first 100 games, you know, the part of the baseball season that doesn't mean anything. Then tune in for the actual regular season, the last 62 games. Then, by the time Major League Baseball has set up another thrilling world series matchup, our guess is Royals v. Pirates, Football will be back, and you won't have to watch it. 

-Get involved in Politics. Why Not? You've spent the last six months watching grown men run into each other at great speeds, why not enlighten your mind a little bit? Obama is in the White House and change is coming! I was in D.C. recently and I could already see the effect he is having on the city. I saw two homeless men with Obama winter hats on (granted, one was debating whether or not he should eat the other one, but his head was warm) and I went a whole 24 hours without being mugged, not once!

-Brett Favre just retired, so he is obviously playing next year. Start a pool now with 31 of your friends about which team he will end up on in 2009. Bet everything you have on Dallas. There's only so many times that a traveling carnival passes Jerry Jones and he doesn't invite it to set up shop in Cowboys stadium. They're building a much bigger stadium for next year and the regular amount of drama won't fill it.

-Read Curt Schilling's blog. The man has transformed from hall of fame pitcher to Dr. Laura Schlessinger. He has an opinion about everything. And if I've learned anything from Bill O'Reilly, there is no way someone can spread themselves to thin when it comes to doling out judgement. Well Curt, here's my opinion, please at least wait until you make it into the hall before you burden us with your moral conjecture? If not for a bloody sock, Schilling would be the internet version of Jose Canseco. sorry for all the name drops.

It's a long way until mini camp opens up in the end of July, and even longer until the season begins, but stick in there! Even Spring and Summer can be a happy time for the die hard football fan.