Them Sports Best Movie Ballers

This is part one of an epic collaboration to find the top ballers in the history of film. Tune in next week for our 2nd installment!

I want to make it clear that when I say baller I'm referring to athetlic prowess and dominance of their environment on and off the court. A baller has to be able to handle the situations given to him, play through adversity and come out with their dignity and sportsmanship intact. In support of their efforts, they are handsomely rewarded with street-cred in the film. And with that said, I give you our first Them Sports Best Movie Baller,

John Tucker

In case you've lived under a rock impervious to high school romantic comedies that made way too much money, he is the star of the movie "John Tucker Must Die." Talk about adversity. 

The movie is trash, we all know that. Blah blah blah, somehow three intensely attractive girls have all found out that they're dating the same guy and recruit a new-to-school hottie to "take down the man" that is our beloved John Tucker. Since when can a blonde, a brunette and a cheerleader do ANYTHING except for start a terrible joke?

Now, if we're talking statistics, this kid had to have set every shooting record set by God in this non-existant land. Not only does he make a buzzer-beater while telling a girl to call him, somehow he manages to complete a front-flip dunk; and I thought the X games were cool. Just kidding. I'm going to guess that he scores 90% of his high school team's points shooting at abouuut, I don't know - 98%? I'm neglecting to mention that he shoots a 95% for scoring hot girls, which leaves former scoring champ Tom Brady (90%) in the dust. Just about the only time he misses is when the head-feminist, (insert useless name here), puts powdered-shame into his steroids during practice. You'd expect cutting a man's juice and adversely doping him would make for a pissed-off teenager in Schwarzenegger's Austrian-roid chassis, but not our John. He keeps practicing even while being cursed with the disease that destroys basketball interest: Estrogen. Did I mention he throws tooootally awesome parties for the entire school for his own birthday? What a self-less act.

That's what I call a baller. Every girl he dates he feeds the same lines to and they buy it. He's worth more money than www.moneyfactory.gov  can print(yes, that's the real site). He is the top young athlete in his world, he gets away with doing steroids and he's set to break every record in front of him. He has charm, 'roid-raged physique and a dreamy haircut. I don't know any athlete like him, and that's why he's our Them Sports Movie Baller of this week.

Your Weekend in Review

And yet again we have another weekend that solidifies itself in modern history with the 81st Academy Awards and some great stories from sports.

-For starters, the University of Maryland Terrapins came back from a 16-point deficit with the tremendous effort by Grievis Vasquez which merits the Prettiest Performance/Ugliest Actor award. He recorded the first triple-double since 1987, and scored the Terps first 16 points from the field. Wow.

-25 year old Jason Belmonte from Australia is "revolutionizing" bowling by bowling with two hands, and qualifying for a PBA Tour event. He apparently started this trend at 18 months when he first started to bowl, which begs the question, what child bowled with one hand at a year and a half old?

-Most intriguing to me, however, were the rampant homo-erotic comments throughout the entire commentary of the NFL Combine. Now, don't get me wrong - I looove the combine. It's unhealthy for me to have the NFL Network and irresponsible for them to play it on loop all weekend. But in no way does that merit the ridiculous comments about former Maryland TE Dan Gronkowski being a "Dreamboat" and having a "ridiculously chiseled torso" or however they eloquently put it. During the DE Linemen 40-yard time drills they must have said the phrase "fat trunks" like a thousand times. And let's just say that Rich Eisen on my television 24 hours a day got reeeeealllly weeeeird.

On a lighter note there were standout performances by WR Darius Heyward-Bey and QB Pat White in the 40-yard dash, and the LB day solidifies former Texas Longhorn Brian Orakpo as one of the biggest and fastest LBs I've seen since Terrell Suggs. He's a complete animal.

So until next time folks, remember to tune into the beginning of Spring Training baseball on Wednesday so we can enjoy another 9 months of fly-outs and double plays thanks to squealers like Conseco and A-Rod who are going to make the HR/game drop to below the 1987 average