Them Sports Best Movie Ballers pt. II & III

Here it is folks, believe it or not there is more to basketball than the NCAA Tournament. Created in 1985 and beloved for decades to follow is our second installment in the Best Sports Movie Ballers:

Teen Wolf

The only reason this movie is awesome is because of the main character,
Scott Howard, and the fact that he's played by Michael J. Fox. If I said
the names Jeph Loeb or Matthew Weisman would they ring a bell? No?
Didn't think so. These genius writers came up with Teen Wolf and then
rode their fame to create episodes of Lost and the movie Burglar,
starring Whoopi Goldberg. (1985 equivalent of Mad Money)

In the end I really don't even care about this movie - but I'll give you
the reader's digest version:

1. Kid is struggling on a bad high school team
   
2. He's undersized and they can't win
   
3. He wants a girl; she wants a guy who doesn't call himself Jenius
   
4. Holy crap there's a full moon: Michael J. Fox = Werewolf
   
5. Dad says "I prayed you wouldn't get my wolf-blood" and drops a
6. Spider-Man reference
   
7. Overly-insulated half-animal = amazing at basketball
   

Remember John Tucker? He was shaven; without 4" arm hair, and even
seduced teachers. But he NEVER had Teen Wolf status. Would YOU
befriend a man that looks like he shouldstanding next to half of a Statue
of Liberty?

Front flips, no misses, and the admiration of everyone he wanted, and
he doesn't need a coat.

That's a baller.

THEM SPORTS BEST MOVIE BALLERS pt III

The Monstars

So the Looney Tunes meet their worst enemy ever, Swackhammer, outer space's Al Davis. Who am I kidding - it IS Al Davis. Regardless, this gruesome leader demands that Bugs Bunny and gang must come work for him at Moron Mountain. Oh no!

Somehow, Bugs convinces the slave-master to allow the Luney Tunes to play Al Davi--Swackhammer's squad. His goon crew goes out to basketball arenas in the US after Baller Mojo like they're Doctor Evil. This squad, ladies and gents, is our part III of an ongoing mini-series that is the Them Sports Best Sports Movie Ballers:

Pound, Bang, Blanko, Nawt And Bupkus are the most complete
team that outer space has ever assembled overnight. It's fitting
that Pound is the name of the Alien who steals Charles Barkley's
talent/weight(drinking) problems. I think it's hilarious that the one
with a flat-top (Bang) is overly aggressive which I blame on his
host Patrick Ewing's extreme love of peanuts. And why not throw
in the likes of Larry Johnson as the emotional Bupkus, and round
off the post with Shawn Bradley's skill and stupidity. Nawt, on the
other hand is fantastic. This little guy obviously steals Mugsey
Bogues' vertical and goes to town on the Toons with no remorse

Long story short these Aliens drive the Toons to convince Michael

Jordan out of retirement (easiest thing ever), so that he can come

back and ruin another franchise. Did I say that? I meant that they

convinced him to give up baseball (smartest thing ever) because

he wasn't a baseball player. Somehow the Toons lose but

Swashuckler or whatever his name is gets beat up by the Monstars,

who are awesome.

I never said the plot was gold; I'm not sure if it's bronze, or even

fake-tan. But it had the Luney Toons, it had Michael, and it had

the best cartoon team of ballers assembled in animation history:

the Monstars.

Them Sports Best Movie Ballers

This is part one of an epic collaboration to find the top ballers in the history of film. Tune in next week for our 2nd installment!

I want to make it clear that when I say baller I'm referring to athetlic prowess and dominance of their environment on and off the court. A baller has to be able to handle the situations given to him, play through adversity and come out with their dignity and sportsmanship intact. In support of their efforts, they are handsomely rewarded with street-cred in the film. And with that said, I give you our first Them Sports Best Movie Baller,

John Tucker

In case you've lived under a rock impervious to high school romantic comedies that made way too much money, he is the star of the movie "John Tucker Must Die." Talk about adversity. 

The movie is trash, we all know that. Blah blah blah, somehow three intensely attractive girls have all found out that they're dating the same guy and recruit a new-to-school hottie to "take down the man" that is our beloved John Tucker. Since when can a blonde, a brunette and a cheerleader do ANYTHING except for start a terrible joke?

Now, if we're talking statistics, this kid had to have set every shooting record set by God in this non-existant land. Not only does he make a buzzer-beater while telling a girl to call him, somehow he manages to complete a front-flip dunk; and I thought the X games were cool. Just kidding. I'm going to guess that he scores 90% of his high school team's points shooting at abouuut, I don't know - 98%? I'm neglecting to mention that he shoots a 95% for scoring hot girls, which leaves former scoring champ Tom Brady (90%) in the dust. Just about the only time he misses is when the head-feminist, (insert useless name here), puts powdered-shame into his steroids during practice. You'd expect cutting a man's juice and adversely doping him would make for a pissed-off teenager in Schwarzenegger's Austrian-roid chassis, but not our John. He keeps practicing even while being cursed with the disease that destroys basketball interest: Estrogen. Did I mention he throws tooootally awesome parties for the entire school for his own birthday? What a self-less act.

That's what I call a baller. Every girl he dates he feeds the same lines to and they buy it. He's worth more money than www.moneyfactory.gov  can print(yes, that's the real site). He is the top young athlete in his world, he gets away with doing steroids and he's set to break every record in front of him. He has charm, 'roid-raged physique and a dreamy haircut. I don't know any athlete like him, and that's why he's our Them Sports Movie Baller of this week.