Them Sports Best Movie Ballers

This is part one of an epic collaboration to find the top ballers in the history of film. Tune in next week for our 2nd installment!

I want to make it clear that when I say baller I'm referring to athetlic prowess and dominance of their environment on and off the court. A baller has to be able to handle the situations given to him, play through adversity and come out with their dignity and sportsmanship intact. In support of their efforts, they are handsomely rewarded with street-cred in the film. And with that said, I give you our first Them Sports Best Movie Baller,

John Tucker

In case you've lived under a rock impervious to high school romantic comedies that made way too much money, he is the star of the movie "John Tucker Must Die." Talk about adversity. 

The movie is trash, we all know that. Blah blah blah, somehow three intensely attractive girls have all found out that they're dating the same guy and recruit a new-to-school hottie to "take down the man" that is our beloved John Tucker. Since when can a blonde, a brunette and a cheerleader do ANYTHING except for start a terrible joke?

Now, if we're talking statistics, this kid had to have set every shooting record set by God in this non-existant land. Not only does he make a buzzer-beater while telling a girl to call him, somehow he manages to complete a front-flip dunk; and I thought the X games were cool. Just kidding. I'm going to guess that he scores 90% of his high school team's points shooting at abouuut, I don't know - 98%? I'm neglecting to mention that he shoots a 95% for scoring hot girls, which leaves former scoring champ Tom Brady (90%) in the dust. Just about the only time he misses is when the head-feminist, (insert useless name here), puts powdered-shame into his steroids during practice. You'd expect cutting a man's juice and adversely doping him would make for a pissed-off teenager in Schwarzenegger's Austrian-roid chassis, but not our John. He keeps practicing even while being cursed with the disease that destroys basketball interest: Estrogen. Did I mention he throws tooootally awesome parties for the entire school for his own birthday? What a self-less act.

That's what I call a baller. Every girl he dates he feeds the same lines to and they buy it. He's worth more money than www.moneyfactory.gov  can print(yes, that's the real site). He is the top young athlete in his world, he gets away with doing steroids and he's set to break every record in front of him. He has charm, 'roid-raged physique and a dreamy haircut. I don't know any athlete like him, and that's why he's our Them Sports Movie Baller of this week.