Daily Zoot - 3/26/09 - Animal Takeover Edition

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed to know yesterday, soon

You can always tell when I'm out of sports stories because I'll print something on Hockey. I fired that round yesterday, and the wide of world of sports didn't give me anymore ammo today. There's nothing I can do, there just is not anything that interesting going on. There are interesting things however going on outside the world of sports (as I've learned occasionally happens) so I'm gonna try my hand in tackling those. The most interesting is that animals have chosen 2009 as the year that they take back planet earth from the humans (I was surprised too). Its only March, look at these moves they've already made. 

-I'm going to ask that you read this next sentence slowly and try to understand that its not a joke:

The entire state of Florida is being overrun by Pythons, more than 30,000, and no one has any idea how to stop them.

During the last wave of hurricanes, hundreds of snakes escaped from pets stores that were damaged during the storms. They have since been reproducing like they have a show on TLC. Now they number in the tens of thousands and are slowly spreading upwards to the rest of the U.S.. The snakes can grow to be 12 feet long; some have been found with the remains of an entire FULL GROWN DEER inside them. If they can swallow deer with all the legs and antlers, a chubby human must be like a cough drop to them. If it sounds like I'm being an alarmist, its because I am; I'm a chubby human and I use a minty body wash. How is there not a plan to stop them? What are Jennifer Lopez and Ice Cube doing right now? I'd ask Samuel L. but I know he's shooting 13 different movies at this exact moment. The snakes are extremely adaptable (perfect) and could potentially thrive in as much as 1/3rd of the continental U.S., which is insane considering that Jews (I'm jewish, it's cool) still can't get off the coasts. The only plan officials have is that if you live in an area with a high concentration of snakes, you should stay in your home. I'm gonna go ahead and second that. 

-I'm actually ok with the little bit of retribution fish are starting to take, we do a lot of messed up things to fish. Let's think about why they might be mad for a second: 

Do you remember how sad you were during Finding Nemo? (not the turtle part, or the shark part, or the Ellen Degeneres part; those parts of fish life are awesome) Remember how emotionally crippled the entire fish community was that even one of their own was gone? And that was just a careful scooping with a net, have you ever seen a harpoon gun? When we finally get them on the boat, and we get the hook out of their cheek (you're welcome) they slowly die of asphyxiation. That is unless we just want to throw them back, because some just fish for the love of torture (What do you call water boarding when you already live under water?). PETA said earlier this year that enough was enough and launched a campaign to have fish renamed Sea Kittens, assuming people would be more weary to abuse an animal with that name (don't underestimate us PETA). Even fish were like, "Seas Kittens? thanks but I think Ill stick with the hook in my face."

That brings us to the revenge, and it is dubious. There are types of pedicures that allow a tank full of fish to peck at the dead skin on the foot of the spa patron. It's a classic Flintstones, "Its a living" situation. Recently the fish have started to eat the feet put in their tank. I know its hard to believe that a one inch long fish is having trouble remembering the protocol of an expensive spa treatment, but its happening. People are still getting the treatment because, well, the resiliency of our laziness is remarkable. I'm fine with this because honestly, fish really do deserve to win one. But there's no denying this is the first step in a work animal revolution. So you can kiss your monkey butler goodbye.

This is just the beginning folks, neither of these animals even has legs, and they're already starting to rise up. Imagine what will happen when we face an animal with the ability to rise. If the Zoot is muffled tomorrow, its because its being written from the inside of a burmese python, and you'll know its already too late.