Daily Zoot - 3/24/09

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed to know yesterday, soon

-Gilbert Arenas plans to maybe return to the Washington Wizards lineup Saturday. He has been out the entire season with a knee injury. You might be asking (and rightfully so), "But Zoot, Why do I care, is this even news?" Well it isn't, and you shouldn't. It turns out Arenas manufactured the tiny amount of buzz surrounding his return by giving contrasting reports to multiple news agencies. The story is no longer the return, but the reports themselves. You can't make your own nicknames, and you can't make your own news; Gil has now done both. He needs people to notice him. At this point, he might as well be standing arms length from the media and the public, "Not touching can't get mad." I think if maybe we stopped writing stories about him he would disappear completely. Gilbert Arenas without attention is like Marty Mcfly without Earth Angel, Gone. 

-Yesterday Terrell Owens failed to report to the first day of voluntary mini-camp with his new squad, the Buffalo Bills. These minicamps are really only voluntary by name only, like, "O honey you don't have to get me anything for our anniversary." Owens isn't just showing up without flowers, he isn't showing up at all. No one is questioning Owens condition, he's huge. He had to put a clause in his new contract about the right to bear arms; and another one about the right to bare arms (would you put sleeves on those pythons?). People are questioning why he would chose to start this relationship with a new team like this. Terrell Owens destroying a team is like evolution: We still call it a theory, but its pretty much accepted as fact. So why would the Bills sign him? is a question that a rational, logical human being might be asking. When you have talent, there will always be a Kansas School Board. 

-Lance Armstrong broke his collar bone when he fell off his bike during the Vuelta of Castilla and Leon Race in Spain. The Collar bone is known as the clavicle; it is located in the shoulder and connects your chest to your live-strong bracelet (More important Bracelet historically: Live-strong or Slap? Discuss) Lance was planning on returning to the Tour de France this summer. He had taken a few years off, citing personal reasons and frustration with doping allegations. He sees this Tour as a chance to quiet those who claim drugs have tainted his reputation. There is precedent; No one talks about all that crap Robert Downey jr. used to get into now that he's made a few good movies in a row. He even got nominated for an Oscar, somehow. Lance thinks that if he can rock the Tour this Summer it will be his playing a black guy.