VOD - Moral Victory

And the Deuce

VOD - Avenue MVP

New Nike commercial. Even puppet Lebron has bigger biceps than me.

SubstiZoot - 5/12/09 - ...Because Jordan Won't

It's time to realize that hockey is cool again, at least for the playoffs. 

This is the leader of the craze that's swept America after Hockey's ridiculously drawn-out regular season has finished.

It's time that the faithful zoot-lovers and themsports fans laced up their skates and grabbed their whatever-they-are-called's and got on the ice. What better way than to make hockey interesting than the NHL Playoffs? Monday proved to be a good one; here are the games.

Caps VS Penguins

Last night, the Washington Ovechkins managed to defeat the Penguins 5-4, in OT, on away ice, without Ove taking a single point in the goal statistic (he only managed 3 assists). Might I also add that he was on ice the longest out of the Caps, which could pose a problem in their forced Game 7 in DC. This is the 2nd series in a row that the Caps have forced a Game 7 situation in a must-win situation, and with Ove on his skates a lot recently fatigue could settle in. On second thought, I put my money on the guy who calls himself the Big Russian Machine, just because he plays like he's just trying to piss off Sydney Crosby. I'd be a horrible person to not mention what Syd's done this series. I've got to go to church more. Go Red.

Other mentionable shout-outs for this game:

-Koslov, for picking up the slack and knocking in 2 huge goals, one for the early tie and one for the late lead.

-Donald Brashear, for ruining my hopes by being scratched before tonight's start, but then immediately giving me hope for Game 7 after the win

-Dave Steckel, for making up for last game's shoulda-coulda-woulda miss and finishing off the Penguin's home ice advantage. Back to D.C.

Game 7 Prediction

Now I'm not huge on calling games because of bias, but to be honest - I'm going to destroy my Washington faithfuls with this one. For some reason, I just have a terrible feeling that Malkin and Crosby are going to rain on the Red-Parade on D.C.'s home ice. In the past few games I've gotten to pay attention to Malkin, who is really starting to scare me. Like, really - the man skates a little like Ove, doesn't cry like Sydney, and he barely speaks English. He can't understand D.C. criticism: I'm worried.

You've gotta love this series though, it's bringing a sports-starved Nation (hahahaha) that extra boost of playoff magic that we haven't had in a while. Who cares about the regular season? This is the NHL's Bird/Magic, Red Sox/Yankees, Pats and Colts ; the expected playoff matchup, the expected result: Magnificently played and worth a whole lot of money in marketing dollars. Nice.

Blackhawks VS Canucks

All this red white and blue makes my patriotism swell - wait, what? Right. Great game, I watched the highlights. This is how it should really happen, so that way we don't have to talk about teams that aren't making hockey the coolest sport to watch since Slamball (it's baaack).

Guess what, the Blackhawks won. Crazy, right? A Chicago-based team trails 4-5 to a Canadian team and then the Chicago team makes a miracle 3:17 stretch and manages to come away with the games final 3, and series-ending goals. 

Some notable shout-outs to the winners:

-Some newb 20 year-old named Kane had a hat-trick, but his name isn't Cane so he will not be getting any prolonged recognition, I was compelled to show the similarity.

-Either case, America defeats Diet America/Can'tada (as far as organizational superiority), so let's just chalk that up to the good 'ole US of A and move on.

And thank God, there's no Game 7 in that series so I don't have to make a prediction for them.

With a painful moment in our Themsports history passed, consider this the beginning. More NHL Playoff Analysis to come! (I'm so sorry Jordan)

VOD - Two Hands for Safety

It speaks for itself. One man, two hands, three strikes. 

Daily Zoot - 5/11/09 - Manny Being Zoot

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed to know yesterday, soon

-Today is my Dad's Birthday; so everybody yell, "Happy Birthday Doc Rubes!" He doesn't have facebook so this will be his only opportunity to get birthday wishes from dozens of near-strangers. 

-There are very few athletes on this planet that I love more than Manny Ramirez. I live very close to Red Sox Nation, but I am not a Red Sox Fan; I got to see all the good without feeling any of the bad. I got to see all of his delightful chicanery with both the bat and the glove without feeling as though he had stepped on my toes when asking for a trade. Everyone who plays MLB has to love the game, but I don't think anyone has as much fun playing it as Manny does. Is his admiring a 500 ft. home run any more narcissistic as an artist hanging a painting in a gallery for everyone to see? If he high fives a fan or two in the middle of an inning is that any less appropriate than shaking hands in the middle of a political campaign? The answer to both of those questions is obviously yes, but that is what I love about Manny; he does what he does no matter what you think about how he does it.

That is why I was so personally crushed when I found out he was suspended 50 games for violating the leagues substance abuse policy. I was especially crushed when I found out what it was for: Manny got got because he was taking a medication called HCG that is most often used as a female-fertility aid (Excuse me? Could somebody fact check this Zoot? that can't be right). The reason it is not allowed in Baseball is because players can sometimes use it to restart the testosterone process after a finishing a steroid cycle. There's gonna be a lot of circular talk on TV about why Manny needed those pills because no one wants to say it exactly. I've been shameless for quite a while now so I don't mind clearing it up for everyone. Here's the situation:

One of the most well known side effects for steroids is that it shrinks your little Mannys. From what I heard its not subtle either, its a very drastic and noticeable alteration. By that I mean its not like, "O man, I just jumped into a cold pool!" but that its more like, "O man, the knot just came undone from my water balloons." Steroid users take drugs like Female Fertility to  try and minimize or even reverse that effect. The goal is to remove one of the more noticeable (depending whose looking I guess) side-effects of steroid use.

 Manny claims that his doctor gave him the medicine for a personal medical issue. Unfortunately, TCS or Tiny Cojones Syndrome isn't gonna fly in the eyes of Major League Baseball. Manny will be eligible to return to Baseball on July 3rd at the earliest. Its not going to hurt the Dodgers, they have a big enough lead to maintain until Manny comes back. I'm not sure its even going to hurt the game (What's the effect of a drop of water on an already overflowing bucket?). It is going to hurt me however, as I now have to watch baseball for the game itself and not for the outrageousness Manny might bring to it on a nightly basis.

VOD - You Were Expecting Something Else?

I want to say that the "Big Baby" has grown up but that would mean that I no longer get to call him a baby. So I'm not going to do that. He hasn't grown up, but he's getting real big.

Daily Zoot - 5/7/09 - Rain Delay

Zooties,

No Zoot today, I have to make sure that I have all my ducks in a row for the end of the year. You have no idea how hard it is to organize ducks. If you're jonesing too hard, there's plenty of old Zoots to read. Be back next week.

Jordan

VOD - Rondissimo

I apologize, but my video download thingy isn't working, but you can just follow this link to check it out. 

You know how I feel about Rondo... When he soared in for this dunk, my heart was all a-flutter. 

Daily Zoot - 5/6/09 - The Inevitable Zoot

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed yesterday, soon

-Are you going to sit there and honestly try to tell me that you didn't see this one coming? This one never fails. They would set the trains by this one if anyone rode trains anymore. Brett Favre will be meeting later this week with Vikings coach Brad Childress about maybe playing a little quarterback for the Purple People Eaters. 

Two years ago Brett Favre handcuffed the Green Bay Packers by taking months to decide if he was going to come back. Dude couldn't decide if he still had the passion for the game, the physical ability to succeed, or the aptitude to be a successful quarterback, and that was 2 years ago! Then last year he retired, check that, didn't retire, forced his way out of Green Bay and onto the Jets (Jets Fans rejoiced). They started 8-3, but Favre threw 2 TDs to 9 INTs down the stretch and the Jets ended up missing the playoffs. He retired again this year, and the Jets recently released him (Jets fans rejoiced)

At this point, Favre is 39 years old, and is recovering from a torn biceps tendon. Here's a list of funny things that I think have more structural integrity than Brett Favre's arm:

-Ron Artest's composure

-Chris Brown and Rhianna's relationship

-Bubbles

-Carlos Mencia's sense of humor

-Soft Serve Ice Cream. Very Hot Day. Hot Fudge. No Sprinkles.

-Brett Favre's word

If Favre wants to play, thats fine. I have no problem with that. Just please hurry it up and decide so we can all get on with our lives. I'm going to boycott Brett Favre on the Zoot until he gets out of our faces.

O I thought of another one:

-The end of a shoelace when the little plastic thing has fallen off. Admit it, that is spot on.

VOD - Television Awareness Day

This is a preview for the new NBC show "Community." Its got Joel Mchale from "the Soup" in it (good). Its made by the same people that made "Arrested Development" (Better). And its got a sexually inappropriate Chevy Chase (sold)

Daily Zoot - 5/5/09 - Truncated Zoot

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed to know yesterday, soon

Finals Week=Shorter Zoots

Write that down

-That little white circle in the back is not a small moon orbiting Johnny Damon, thats the baseball; he didn't make that catch. As a matter of fact, very players in pinstripes made catches last night. the Yankees lost to the Red Sox 6-4 last night at a rain drenched Yankee Stadium. That's not even the foul line. That line signifies the threshold the Yankees are about to cross. Between their new billion-dollar stadium, and over-payed under-achieving offseason acquisitions, the Yankees are about to cross the line into full-fledged disappointment-ism. Actually, as you can see, they're sliding head first across that line. The Yankees have played 4 games against the Red Sox this season and they've won as many as you have (assuming none of you are Vlad Guerrero) The Yankees spent nearly 2 billion dollars this offseason, yet they haven't gotten 5 dollars worth of good play. Their stadium is now a collection of restaurants more so than it is a ballpark (Unfortunately there's no sending CC back for being cold). 

VOD - Stick Save and A Beauty

From The Capitals-Penguins game 1. An incredible save by Caps goalie Simeon Varlamov on the Sid the Kid. 

I Think My Roommate Has Swine Flu

O my God What do I do? I'm trying to play Text twist and my roommate, who in the interest of public safety will remain named - Jimmy Cotterman, is hovering over me with what could possibly be the first confirmed case of Swine Flu at the University of Maryland. I want to tell him to go the Hospital, but I'm trying desperately not to breathe in his general direction.

Maybe I should do a little Swine Flu research, About.com counts as an academic journal right? O here we go, "Although the name 'swine flu' brings up a lot of extra fear and worry, it is important to note that swine flu is just an influenza A H1N1 virus." That's comforting, I guess calling it numbers and letters makes it less deadly than if it has a name. Apparently this new flu is just flu classic with a dash of Swine flu, and a sprinkling of Bird Flu in it. Doesn't that make it flying Pig Flu? That's even scarier. I only like my pigs and birds fraternizing on the dinner plate.

I'm going to play Dr. Zoot and see if I can diagnose him from that list of symptoms:

Fever: I don't have a thermometer but I think his bangs just got singed off. 

Cough: I've got evidence of that on my shoulder.

Runny Nose: He says his nostrils feel like the New York sewer system in Ghostbusters 2.

Body Aches: American Gladiator contestant-eque.

Headache: We might have to chalk that one up to a hangover, maybe swine hangover, but definitely not swine flu.

Chills: I'm gonna measure Chills in head bands gone through - 3. That's a lot for one morning right?

Fatigue: 

8:13 am - "I have an itch on my right leg"

10:42 am -  Jimmy scratches that itch

In my (expert) opinion, thats a clean sweep for Porky's team, my man Jimmy has swine flu. He's a goner, and I have to live with him. That means I get to start playing a game I like to call outrun the inevitable, time me!

Daily Zoot - 5/4/09 - Zoot Nostalgic

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed yesterday, soon

-I waited just about as long as possible before admitting that the Celtics-Bulls first round series was the best playoff series ever. It was clear that it was, I just didn't want to give in to it; I used the twenty-year conservative denial of global warming as inspiration (Note that the article is from only a few weeks ago; their commitment to this lie is remarkable). Save for a Boston blowout in game 3 each of the first five games of the series were instant classics. I still said that it couldn't be the best... but game 6 was my Al Gore slideshow. Game six went into 3 OT's and had more big moments than a giant clock. Ray Allen had 51 points, and that night even Christian Fundamentalists had no qualms in calling him Jesus. The Bulls prevailed in that one thanks to the heroics of Joakim Noah, who hair-wise looks like the son of Carrot Top and Macy Gray (by the way, how many songs could possibly be on "the very best of Macy Gray?" Can it really be more than just that one? "Best" is an extremely relative term in that situation, and I'm not sure "Very" even applies). Game 7 was really really good - if you are a Celtics fan. It was only pretty good if you aren't. 

But Whatever, the last episode of Seinfeld wasn't that great either, and you might as well leave the third Godfather out of the box-set; but we still love the rest of those series. Think for a second about the 5 amazing games the teams did play this series; games 1, 2, 4, 5, and 6. The margins of victory in those games were 2, 3, 3, 2, and 1 respectively. 4 of those games went into overtime, which is a record for any single series. They went through 7 total overtime periods; no team in history had done that in an entire playoff run let alone one series. I watched game 6 in a bar in Washington DC, hundreds of miles from either Boston or Chicago. Every single television set had the game on. In the second and third overtime, it was all that people were talking about. I even heard somebody (probably me) say, I wish all those (now what's a nice way to say slutty? How about... inconsistently dressed? Yeah, that'll play) women dancing on the bar would move, I can't see Glenn "Big Baby" Davis. 

This series was so exciting that Celtics GM Danny Ainge had a heart attack before it even started. I almost joined him multiple times; when Ray Allen made that go-ahed three pointer over said circus freak in game 2, I remember thinking to myself "Boy, I don't remember the playoffs tasting so much like copper last year." - And I'm still doing most of the typing for this Zoot with my right arm as I await the return of feeling to the appendages on the left side of my body. 

There's no two ways about it, this was absolutely the best and probably most-draining series of all time; but there is no rest for the weary. Boston moves on to face Orlando, and their cartoonishly built Center Dwight Howard, Game 1 is tonight.  So if you'll excuse me I need to go buy some Bayer Aspirin and make sure I have the number for 911 written down somewhere - just in case.

VOD - The Experiment

The Video is the entirety of the Manny Pacquiao v. Ricky Hatton title fight from Saturday night. Pacquiao  him and now is undoubtedly the best pound-for-pound fighter in the world. That brings us to The Experiment: We're gonna see if Them Sports is small enough to fly under the radar in showing this extremely copyrighted video in its entirety, or if we'll get sued by HBO for infringement... Wish Me Luck!