Daily Zoot - 6/10/09 - Zoot Slander

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-If you know me, you know that I have a very healthy dislike for Kobe Bryant. It doesn't help that he wears Purple and Gold, but I'm pretty sure I would dislike him in any jersey (or any article of clothing for that matter). People always ask me "Jordan, as a basketball fan how can you blatantly dislike one of the game's best players?" Don't get it twisted, I know that Kobe is one of the top 2 players on the planet; I'm biased, not blind. I know that he is one of the all-time greats, and probably the best SG we've seen since Michael. Maybe I just look at things differently than everyone else; but every time I hear stories about Kobe's legendary "drive" he comes off as more of a jerk than a competitor to me. Here is an example:

In 1996, Kobe Bryant was a senior at Lower Merion High School in Suburban Philadelphia. He was the best player in the country, he took established r&b singer Brandy to his prom, and was everybody's all-everything. Some of the most popular stories that people tell about Kobe from his high school days are his legendary games of 1 on 1 with his high school teammates. Now Kobe was the definition of big fish in a small pond in high school. Despite him, they lost 3 games his senior year because he was not surrounded by a ton of talent. That didn't stop Kobe from taking each of his teammates in weekly games of 1 on 1; not to 11, not to 21, but to 100. The closest anyone ever got to him was losing 100-12. In one game Kobe scored 84 points before his opponent got their first hoop. And Kobe wouldn't let them stop playing until he got to 100. When I first heard these stories on Sportscenter, the analysts all talked about how much focus and determination it takes to beat somebody 100-12, or 84-0. Focus and Determination? Did Kobe really need that kind of re-affirmation in his skill that he had to beat his backup by 88 to feel as though he was a good enough player? Kobe was bigger and better than all of his competition, and when they played, he would take no mercy and he tried to beat them as badly and for as long as he could possibly could. How self conscience do you have to be to need that kind of boost every single week?

That kind of need to know just how much better you are than everyone else has been the driving force in his entire career. Now Shaq isn't entirely faultless for that schism in Los Angeles that ultimately culminated with his trade in 2004; but Shaq seemed to get along just fine with a different sidekick who didn't mind sharing the team, and some of the spotlight with him in Dwayne Wade. Everyone who was on the outside looking in couldn't understand why they would split up when they were such a dominant force together; that's because everyone who was on the outside looking in has normal human emotion and compassion. Kobe ain't got those things. So Kobe will make his big shots, and make his faces, but they aren't for his team, or for his fans. They are for himself, because he constantly needs to know, and be told that he is better than everyone else. Other than that though, I'm sure he's a cool guy. 

VOD - Dwight's New Commercial

Shouldn't he be focusing on the finals, and not on wearing silly glasses? I'm just kidding, this is awesome.

Daily Zoot - 6/8/09 - Zoot Papi

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-Am I really going to be the one that has to say this? Why hasn't anybody who gets paid to do this kind of thing said this already; so that I, somebody who does this hard-hitting sports journalism thing (don't laugh) for fun has to do it? Why do I have to be the first one to acknowledge that David Ortiz was on steroids up until the last two seasons? 

In the 5 years before the 2008 season, his first five in Bean Town, Papi hit 208 home runs. Last year he was plagued by injuries, and this season, despite claiming to be fully healthy, has hit a remarkable (and not in a good way, but in a, "well I'm forced to remark on this" kinda way) 2 home runs, in 198 at-bats. 

Papi dodged a lot of the steroid questions because his body type is not consistent with those who traditionally get caught up in those type of allegations. Its easy to question guys like Marky-Mark and A-Rod (What the hell is that picture by the way? I'm starting to think that he's just asking for it at this point) whose arms look like thighs. But a guy like Papi can fly under the radar because when he rounds third base on his home-run trot he starts to run out of breath. He's not a very good athlete (as a 1st baseman, he makes an excellent DH) and because of that nobody ever questioned him. But if you take HGH, and don't work out, thats what happens. You can get stronger, but at the same time, you don't get cut. It's like spending a lot of time reading about something nobody cares about; yeah you get smarter, but its not really in a way that people can recognize. 

He's only 33, so he should still have a few years left of power. Now the alternative (and don't get it twisted; this is what I am rooting/hoping for) is that without steroids, this is actually what happens to a player; but because everyone else has been taking them, our perception of the length of a players prime has been distorted. That would be great for Papi, but would be terrible for everyone else; so I'm not really sure which is the better option. All I'm saying is that the circumstances, and the time-frame certainly make it a possibility, and his lack of power recently is too glaring not to ask any questions at all. 

Daily Zoot - 6/4/09 - Video Zoot

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I'm leaving on a jet-plane (sort-of, i just drive really fast) today so I can't write a full Zoot. What I can do is give you the rest of the Leroy Smith series. This is all four parts of a very serious news story about Leroy. Here's to hoping you guys liked it as much as I did. 

Daily Zoot - 6/3/09 - Poor Sportsmanzoot

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-Lebron James has been the next big thing (the shiznit if you will) since he was about 9-years-old. People have known that he was going to be the king of the NBA for almost 15 years now, and they've been treating him as such. That means every foul call that could go either way, has gone his since he started playing this game. That lifetime of preferential treatment (think Duke Basketball x 1000) has created an ugly sense of entitlement that we've only recently started to see.

Last week Lebron James and his (and I mean "his" in every possible meaning of the word; and I mean "every possible" in all ways too for that matter) Cleveland Cavaliers lost to the Orlando Magic in the Eastern Conference Finals. At the end of that game Lebron walked off the court without shaking hands with his opponents, or even so much as a nod. We didn't even get the customary "I just lost the Oscars but I'm clapping because I know that more people are looking at me than the guy who just won right now." Lebron, how you gonna have worse manners than Russell Crowe? Even the hated jocks from every sports movie ever made give a little slow-clap when they get beat by the underdog heroes (save for Revenge of the Nerds I-V of course, but I don't think Lebron wants to invoke the Ogre comparison). Then he quickly got changed and skipped mandatory news interviews and pouted his way back to the team bus where he sat quietly and reflected (my guess is that he was thinking about the commercial appeal of coming in third place; which I don't think is quite puppet-worthy)

That was bad enough, and a lot of people were outraged when it originally happened. Then he tried to explain (I think he should have been trying to apologize for it but thats just me) why he did what he did, and he came off as an even bigger prick. Here's my favorite part, "It's hard for me to congratulate someone after you just lose to them....I mean I'm a winner." I'm glad he cleared that up, it was tough for everyone to recognize that he was winner considering he has yet to win anything. I understand where he's coming from. No, I haven't had any ad campaigns or photo-shoots or anything, but I still consider myself a professional model because my parents have always told me I'm very handsome; and that alone makes it so. Lebron might be able to play ball better than almost anyone on this planet, but he knows less about the concept and values of sport itself than my local tee-ball team. I don't really know what I'm witnessing (The Christ symbolism in that ad just became a whole lot funnier/more ironic to me by the way) right now, but I'm starting not to like it very much. 

VOD - Correction: Video of the Century

This is Leroy Smith who is, as he puts it, "The Michael Jordan of motivating Michael Jordan." You can see the rest of Leroy here. Trust me, its worth the time you could be spending outside.

Daily Zoot - 6/2/09 - Manny Ramirez: All-Zoot

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-You already know the strong nature of my feelings towards Manny Ramirez (I celebrate everything I do like he does a 500 ft. home-run, I would use his hair for a loofa if I could, etc....). You already know that I was crushed when he was suspended 50 games for taking a lady drug. What is it they say about god not closing a door without only using a lock thats easily picked? 

Manny is Back! maybe... Well he can be with your help. Right now he is 5th in the all-star voting for NL outfielders, despite still being in the thick of his suspension. If he gets into the top 3 he gets to start in Baseball's annual mid-summer classic. Wouldn't that be amazing? not funny, not unfortunate, amazing. Manny Ramirez is proof of the American Dream, and its multiple re-incarnations within itself. Even when you've been suspended for a drug that is currently causing the downfall of Baseball in America (Barry Bonds has no comment) you can still represent your sport in achieving its highest commendation. 

Now the reason this is possible is because Baseball (and I hate to single them out because every sport does this as well; its a see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil, and in hockey's case nobody watch no evil, situation) selects its starting all-stars through fan voting. Which means that the most popular player will make the game over a guy who deserves it more for his performance, or dare I say, actually playing at all. Sometimes it can backfire (see Carter v. Jordan NBA All-star 2003) Sometimes it can work out perfectly, like with Manny. As it stands right now, the top three vote getters are Ryan Braun, (tribe member, he stays) Raul Ibanez (replaceable) and Carlos Beltran (replaceable). 

You can vote for the all-star game here. But please, only do it if its because you want to see a juiced up giant, because as I said, the all-star game is about representing the game. And I can't think of a better representative than Manny Ramirez. Only in America!

Daily Zoot - 6/1/09 - NBA Finals Pre-Zoot

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I hope everyone enjoyed their Themsports vacation, but I know you missed reading that Sports Comedyommentary just like I missed making it. Well, we're back and, as always, we mean business. Lets get right down to it. 

- You can call me selfish if you want but I'm thrilled that the NBA finals didn't come down to Kobe v. Lebron like everyone else thought it should have. If I have to be miserable, I want Vitamin Water and Nike to be there right along with me. So we got our finals and I think it disappoints everyone but me. Dwight Howard led his Magic team over the Cleveland Lebrons in the Eastern Finals, and now faces those Purple Jerks from Los Angeles (its going to be hard for my to hide my distain to the Lakers in this and any subsequent Zoots, so bear with me) The Finals start this Thursday, and as far as I'm concerned it comes down to three key match-ups: 

-Dwight Howard v. Andrew Bynum

This is the match-up that leads me to ultimately *spoiler Alert* pick the Magic to win this series. Andrew Bynum has shown occasional flashes of brilliance; unfortunately most of those flashes have come in a pan. Now he's gotta stop the cartoonishly proportioned (He needs to go to a team whose name is along enough to get across his chest, has anyone ever had that problem before?) Dwight Howard. Dwight hung huge numbers on the Cavs big men, and opened up that series for the rest of the players on his team. The Lakers big men are the skim milk equivalent of the Cavs Big men. Andrew Bynum is going to get smoked in this matchup, for sure, but the success of the Lakers depends on how badly he gets burned. If he can keep it at a light pan-searing they got a chance, but I think he's gonna get flame-broiled. Advantage Magic - In a big way.

-Rashard Lewis v. Pau Gasol 

Its hard to call this match-up because they play two completely different styles. Rashard Lewis is 6'10"and plays like he's 6'4" (in a good way I guess). Pau Gasol is 7'0" and plays like a 12-year-old girl who is uncomfortable because its her first day in a training bra. He doesn't love contact, and seems extremely self-conscience when anyone touches him on the back. Pau likes playing in the post, but I don't think he's tough enough to force rashard into guarding him there. I'm pretty sure one well-placed shove to the back will have him looking over his shoulder for the next 7 months, let alone games. And he definitely doesn't have the lateral quickness to guard Rashard on the perimeter (think water running down a pane of glass, then think pancake batter on the same surface). Advantage - Could go either way, they're both great players, but I'll take Rashard.

-Courtney Lee v. Kobe Bryant

Courtney is not going to win this match-up, basketball wise. Kobe is one of the best players on the planet, and CLee is just a rook. Kobe will get his (and thats his favorite kind of game by the way), but Courtney can go a long way in deciding this series if he can get under Kobe's skin. I give it 3 minutes before Kobe throws a pass that doesn't get caught and we get to see that "I would kill you if there weren't 20,000 people around me judging my abilities as a teammate and leader" look that he so frequently loves to flash Pau and Andrew. Kobe has been in the league since he was 18, almost 14 years now, and we're still waiting for him to mature as a leader; newborn puppies learn faster. If I'm Courtney (and I'm glad I'm not; Jordan is only a girls name half the time) I'm using every chance I get to try and make Kobe mad at his teammates, "Its almost like your teammates aren't as talented as you...you should hold that against them." Courtney can't stop Kobe on the court, but he can certainly try and derail the Laker Locker Room. Advantage - Lakers on Court, Magic in head.

I think the Magic have shown how tough they are in these playoffs too tough after they knocking out the defending champs, and the MVP in the last two series. Most of all, I don't think they're afraid of Kobe; it can't be worse than playing Lebron and three referees? Kobe will get his, but nobodoy else in Purple will. Give the Magic in 6.