Daily Zoot - 4/30/09 - Zoot Julep

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed to know yesterday, soon

-The Kentucky Derby is the most pretentious sporting event in the world, and it deserves every bit of its arrogance. As always, May's first Saturday brings the Kentucky Derby this weekend. I wholeheartedly disagree with the confederacy, but I don't think anyone can argue that they throw the best parties. The 135th Kentucky Derby has one of the weakest fields ever, as favorites Quality Road and Square Eddie (how pretentious is it? the pre-game coverage is done by the New York times. They also cover sailing) have already dropped out. I'm not sure that's necessarily a bad thing. The early favorite is I want Revenge at 3-1 coming out of the 13th gate. Now thats all well and good for the betters, but I don't think I'm alone in saying that the Kentucky Derby has very little to do with a horse race. Its about the painfully clear socio-economic segregation, and celebrating that divide. 

Last year there were 155,000+ people at the Kentucky Derby. Most of those people will be in the infield. The Infield is a very similar situation to the very bottom compartment of any ship filled with immigrants on its way to America from Eastern Europe in the late 1800's (The Titanic "I'm rich you're poor forbidden love" story would work equally well at churchill downs). What I guess I'm trying to say is that it would cause an enormous stir if one of the dregs from the infield thought enough of himself to use a rich persons bathroom. How long would it take to get the dogs and the fire-hoses.  Those who are fortunate enough to be in the grandstands would be offended to hear me call them fortunate, thats the type of wealth we're talking about. this isn't, "I'm blessed to have made this money, now let me give back to the community" money; this is, "Why is there a Latino Man (Its not necessarily the racial ignorance, its the confidence with which its expressed thats the issue) serving me my Mint Julep" money. This is strictly East Egg, and they have no qualms about flaunting it. 

Look at what the people in attendance at the Kentucky Derby are wearing, thats the most heated competition you'll see that day. Why else would NBC have 6 hours of pre-race coverage when it only takes 17 seconds to put the horse into the gate (Horse's are notoriously tight-lipped when it comes to interviews before a race)? The Amazing Technicolor Dream-coat wouldn't even be in the top 10 of best suit jackets at the race. There's a certain class of celebrity that are allowed to go to the derby. For example, even though everyone loves Shaq, I don't think he makes the cut; but you better believe Michael Does. If your going to pay attention to one thing at the race, make it the hats. My God the Hats! This I know is a competition. Its a one day flashback to times before women's rights when they were little more than an accessory to be compared and judged - and now I'm going to move on before I get a phone call from my mother....

The Derby itself is the first leg of the triple crown; with the Preakness and the Belmont Stakes. No Horse has won all three races since Affirmed in 1978. A weak field can mean that there isn't a champion great enough to win all three, or that a mediocre horse can benefit from less competition (they still gave rings to the Rockets those two years that Jordan was retired i think...). But again, horse-racing isn't for everybody. But wishing you were part of the highest tiers of society is (each box seat comes with the right to have 5 people killed; and not even just minorities). So we'll watch, and we'll sigh longingly, and we'll throw some equal and an altoid in a shot of borboun then cringe as we drink our "mint juleps." But mostly we'll dream; that even if for only one day we could actually and truly be better than everyone else.

VOD - Many Points Very Quickly

I the Heat scored this efficiently all game they would have finished with 2,095 points.

VOD - Real?

I usually have too much nacho cheese on my hands to try this kind of stuff

Daily Zoot - 4/28/09 - Rajon Rondo; Point Zoot

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed to know yesterday, soon

-That picture says everything about why I love Rajon Rondo. Not because of the steal, or the hustle; but because even in this moment, he doesn't look scared. Derrick Rose looks scared though. He looks like Nic Cage diving after that VX in the Rock. Rondo is averaging a man-sized triple-double (23.3 pts, 10.8 rebs, 10 asts, 3.5 stls, and under 2 TOS a game) in the first four games of a series against the Bulls thats locked up at 2-2. I've been watching Rondo since his career began, and I feel like a proud father now that he's showin' out (don't you see the resemblance? He gets the headband from me). How do I love rondo? Let me count the ways...

-I am going to sweat more while writing this zoot than he would during an entire regulation NBA game (which is more about my issues than his, but you get the idea). He's got Frankenstein's composure, from before he was brought back to life.

-True Story: His bare-feet haven't touched the ground in almost 3 years. He is always wearing double layer socks or flip flops or anything; but the tootsies never touch the floor (Is it ok for me to call another man's feet tootsies?). He showers 5 times on game day. We call him superstitious because he's a pro-athlete; but if he were just a regular guy, we'd call him Obsessive Compulsive. I like my point guard to be a little bit crazy (which is why I love this man, but thats a story for a different day).

-He's kind of a jerk. Watch this. Even though he started it, who are you rooting for in that fight (hint: he's not wearing purple)?

-He's on the small side at 6-1, 170, but he makes up for it in the arm department. His wingspan is 6'10". His hands are so big he can greet everyone in the room at once. He uses those pipe-lines (I feel like I'm under-selling it if I just say Pipes) and those big hands to do this fancy little behind the back move. And he does that all the time. He makes plays in the playoffs that other guys are afraid to try in the gym alone. 

-He's only 23.

(somebody stop me, I could go on all day)

In addition to all the Rondo love, tonight is game 5 in a tied series. It is a must-win for both teams. But if you wanna watch just for Rondo, I'd understand.

VOD(s) - Cavs ad? Not Bad!

I really dislike the Cavs but this is pretty funny. Delonte West is really the driving force in this commercial. He has a strong comedic background. This bonus video is D West's acting resume (at least I like to think he's acting), a commercial from his days on the Celtics. I take any opportunity to bring this video up, its a favorite of mine.  And this way I can get all this Cavs love out in one go round. 

Daily Zoot - 4/27/09 - A Tradition of Zoot Excellence

-The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed to know yesterday, soon

-As I said on Thursday, this weekend was the NFL draft, and I am contractually obligated to do a recap. The draft lasted about 6 and a half hours on Friday, and almost 10 on saturday. I'm doing this recap with the hope that this is new to all of you because you spent that 16 hours doing something, anything, outside. Remember that I watch the whole draft only as an act of great sacrifice, so that you don't have to (not true).  

-The Jets traded up in the first round of the draft to select Mark Sanchez, the QB from USC. The Jets used a ton of picks to acquire a player who they hope will be a good investment. If he doesn't pan-out than the Jets will be hurting for years. Its a very similar situation to the economy. Actually thats a really good analogy. And Brett Favre is like a bailout! And Thomas Jones is like Ben Bernanke (but thats an obvious one). So that makes new Jets coach Rex Ryan President Obama? I think I need a little help with that last one.  

-As I said last week, Percy Harvin did fall a little bit from where he was expected to go because of the positive marijuana test at the combine. He ended up going with the 22nd overall pick to the Minnesota Vikings. The Vikings said, "Pot? You can smoke Pot all you want. We just ask that you don't do it, or anything else for that matter, on our boat."

-Maryland WR Darrius Heyward-Bey was drafted 7th overall (really?) by the Oakland Raiders. There isn't a worse thing in the entire world that could have happened to Darrius that would still result in him making millions of dollars. If you can find the video of DHB getting the phone call from the organization, it is one of the most emblematic shots you will ever see. Everyone around him is going nuts; they know that he just made the NFL, he's going to be rich (maybe we'll see some of that money too? but whatever its cool. Whenever you get around to it) and he just fulfilled a dream of making the NFL. But the look on his face tells a different story. He isn't smiling, he isn't crying, he isn't even blinking. There isn't even a hint of a speck of emotion on his face. He's just staring....... He is realizing that in addition to all the pressures of being drafted way ahead of where he should have been (he was really a late first round pick; and now he has to perform for one of the most ruthless fan bases in the NFL) he has to play for Al Davis in Oakland! If Michael Vick got out of jail tomorrow and his only contract offer was from the Raiders (don't be surprised when that's the case by the way) I garuntee he'd be wishing he was back in Jail by the third day of mini-camp. So there on the couch sat DHB, with his family going bonkers, as his life flashes before his eyes. Someone behind him tries to put a Raider's hat on, and he fights like he was a dog and you were trying to put a sweater on him. The Michael Crabtree, the best receiver in the draft, gets drafted 3 picks later to play like 6 miles away in San Fransisco. If you're Sam Bowie (God Forbid) you can't live in the same neighborhood as Michael. DHB just moved in next door to his MJ, Good luck.

VOD - Slingshot Engaged?

How is it possivle that the chain link fence above the wall keeps the car inside the track? You gotta think that a driver dislikes any time they spend in the air, the sport isn't really designed to embrace that kind of thing.

Daily Zoot - 4/23/09 - The Zoot Less Traveled

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed to know yesterday, soon

-If you read my piece on European-American (I guess) PG Brandon Jennings, then you know how I feel about players circumventing their scholastic responsibilities in order to cheat the system and play overseas. If not you can read it here, but---SPOILER ALERT---I love it. And I hate to say I told you so (no I don't) but I believe I pegged it when I said Jennings wouldn't be the last person to study basketball abroad. I just thought we had a little bit more time to circle the drain before we went down it; and I was way off on that one. The man in blue you see above is Jeremy Tyler, the number one high school player in the class of 2010. He's 6'11", 260 lbs (none of which are brains) and committed to play ball at Louisville in 2010; but thats where it gets interesting. Now if you remember, Jennings is playing one year overseas, and will likely enter the NBA draft this summer. If one year in Europe is good, you'll never guess what's better (maybe you will). Tyler has decided to forgo his senior of high school (of High School!) and plans to play two years in Europe before entering the draft in 2011 (Saul). Tyler has said that high school was becoming boring, and that he wanted a change of pace. He's the best player in the country, and the big man on campus at a high school in beautiful, sunny, San Diego! You've got the talent, the locale, and you just got your first mention on the Zoot (a watershed moment in any athlete's career); What else do you want from us? And I think that kind of captures the problem. Tyler has already reached the pinnacle of what he can become at the amateur level. He has squeezed the American Dream for every last drop, and now he's gonna try to get some juice out of Europe (I think its called Sangria over there). Things literally can not get any better for Tyler until he gets to the NBA, so his next two years are kind of a waste of time if you think about it. Once you've already reached the top, why would you chose to operate up and down that same track? (nobody tell elevators I said that). Tyler is trying to take the road less traveled to the NBA, and it will for sure make all the difference; we're just not entirely sure thats a good thing yet.

-The NFL Draft is this weekend, and that makes this weekend my favorite weekend of the year (narrowly edging out Labor Day Weekend---last chance to wear my beloved white pants). The NFL Draft spans both days and lasts for 47 of the 48 weekend hours (or at lest it seems that way). If you have never watched the draft, don't. Its the most addictive stuff known to man, and you really don't want to get caught up in it. How effective is it you ask? Todd McShay and more specifically the human hair-do Mel Kiper jr. have made careers out of covering the draft, and it only lasts for 2 of 365 days we get every  year (Even something as amazing as cadbury eggs haven't been able to break through that wall of specific weekend association). If you do get roped into watching the draft, or if you've been waiting for your fix since last year around this time, here are some things to watch out for while your stuck to the couch during this year's draft:

-The Detroit Lions have the top overall pick and they are expected to select Georgia QB Matthew Stafford. Let me just make it clear that I don't trust anyone that choses to go by Matthew instead of Matt (save for Broderick of course, but that goes without saying). Stafford has an unusual opportunity to succeed in Detroit, relatively speaking. He has to win only game to improve on Detroit's record last year, as the Lions were the only team ever to finish with an 0-16 record. Usually I would say that one win for an NFL team is a lock, but I refuse to be surprised by the Lions' misery anymore, so I'm not going to bet against it.

-Every year, the early story of the draft is the guy who has to sit in the Green Room waaaaaay longer than anyone else. The Green Room is the Draft's equivalent of purgatory; the players sit at big tables with their families and support teams and wait to be picked. The beauty of it is that each pick takes about 10:00, so if you last into the 20's, you have to sit there for hours. Once there is a single player left in the green room, the entire focus of the broadcast shifts to that player (sympathy I suppose). Each time a player gets picked ahead of the last mohican (thats what I'm calling it by the way) ESPN does an extreme close up on him. Their face is a delightful mixture of hope and despair. It's the excitement of an expecting mother and the fear of an expecting father all rolled into one. In years past we've seen Aaron Rodgers and Brady Quinn overstay their welcomes at the crafts services table in the Green room, this year look for Kansas St. QB Josh Freeman to get seconds (and thirds, and fourths, and fifths...)

-I already talked about Mel Kiper, but I'm going to bring him up again because the man is an inspiration. In 20+ years of draft coverage there has been only one player drafted that Mel didn't have intimate (take that however you want) knowledge of. Shockingly, he doesn't use a computer to keep all that information, he has hundreds upon hundreds of binders, which is delightfully old-school (his office has a very tetris-y feel to it). Kiper will be working all day Saturday, but will likely be tagged out by McShay on Sunday (is there a more disappointing tradeoff on this planet?), so catch him when you can. He has boundless energy and infinite knowledge, and I can watch him for 8 hours straight without wanting to punch him in the face; which is more than I can say for Chris Berman, Keyshawn Johnson, and Chris Carter, the rest of the ESPN crew. 

For the love of god please enjoy the nice weather that we should be getting this weekend. But if you you're stuck to the couch like I plan on being, enjoy the greatest weekend of the year.

VOD - Umberger W/ Cheese

This is a hit levied by Detroit Red Wings Defenseman Brad Stuart on Columbus' RJ Umberger. If you think that name sounds familiar it because this isn't the first time you have seen Umberger get laid out (and its a hard last name to forget)

Three years ago Yesterday, coincidently enough, Umberger suffered an even bigger hit from the Buffalo Sabres. "How would you like your Umberger? Knocked the F*** Out!"

Daily Zoot - 4/22/09 - National Hockey Zoot

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed to know yesterday, soon

-Some of my friends are upset that I don't talk about hockey enough in the Zoot. While I'm in the process of evaluating wether or not I want to remain friendly with hockey advocates, I figured I would appease them for just this day (Don't say I didn't get you a birthday present)...it is the playoffs after all so lets get down to it. Last night's game between the New Jersey Devils and the Hartford Whalers was decided by a goal scored with 0.2 seconds left in the game. It was the closest to the final whistle a deciding goal has been scored in NHL Playoff history. I always say Hockey doesn't get good until the last half-second of the game, this just confirms it. Devils goalie Marty Brodeur thought he got bumped before the shot, and threw a pretty impressive temper-tantrum after the game. He ended his tirade when it was calmly explained to him that he plays a contact sport, and that he should probably expect that kind of thing. The Caps trail the Rangers 2-1 heading into tonight's game at Madison Square Garden. Everyone in the D.C. Metro Area has turned red with support for the Caps (or embarrassment for being outed as a hockey fan) so I'm gonna go with them. Is everyone happy now? Good.

-The NFL released the results of the drug test taken by players at the Scouting Combine, and two high profile players have tested positive (and that means bad oddly enough) for marijuana; North Carolina's Brandon Tate, and Florida's Percy Harvin. Nobody really cares about Tate (sorry, but thats the truth) but Harvin is a first round prospect and could go in the top-20. Let me start by saying that Harvin smoking Weed is not going to stop a team from taking him, but testing positive might. What I mean by that is if the results of these tests were classified, the teams wouldn't care less; but now they are afraid that their season ticket holders don't want to watch Sanka line up in the slot. I'm going to go securely out on a limb when I assure you that many, if not much, if not most of the NFL smokes Pot. I mean for god's sake look at Marshawn Lynch. But teams look the other way; that is until it becomes public. I direct your attention to Miami Dolphins v. Williams. It took a fake retirement and a real anxiety disorder to make it OK for Williams to return to the team after he admitted marijuana use. You think they didn't know he smoked weed before they traded for him in 2002? If so, I direct your attention to exhibit a.  (I'm criticizing the dress, not marrying hurricane Ditka. I would marry Mike Ditka in a the time it takes to score a game winning NHL playoff goal (remember?), and you can hold me to that if the situation ever arises.) This positive test is not going to hurt Harvin as a player, it can only hurt his first paycheck, and eventually the teams that chose to pass on him because of it.

VOD - J-Smoothe

Josh Smith can jump way higher than anyone in the Miami Metro Area.

Daily Zoot - 4/21/09 - Zoot Shuttlesworth

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed to know yesterday, soon

-You can always tell when a good play is going when Kevin Garnett's mouth looks like its escaping from the rest of his face. The good on this particular day was that the Celtics won game 2 against the Bulls, and Ray Allen knocked down the game winning shot. Ray Ray built that drama like he was still in Hollywood; He went 1-12 in Saturday's game one, and scored only four more points than me and everyone reading this sentence combined. In the first half he was equally unremarkable - so much so in fact that I refuse to even remark on it.........then he came out in the second half like the resurrection (Let me know if I'm going to far with this whole Jesus thing, I'm still anticipating the day when I find that line and am never heard from again). He scored 28 points in the second half, including the game winning 3 pointer you can watch below (Woody!). Allen's 30 overshadowed Ben Gordon's 42 (It was UConn night at the Garden). Somehow getting lost in all the hoopla of the end of the game was the play of Rajon Rondo. The smallest man on the court Monday played inarguably the biggest game. It was like Joe Pesci's performance in My Cousin Vinny (Glen Davis' 26 points and 8 boards, much like Marisa Tomei's Oscar, is more exception than rule). Rondo controlled the early part of the game, sprained his ankle in the first half, returned, and still limped to a 15pt./16ast./12reb./5stl. Triple Double (Usually you add insult to injury, in this case the injury just found this insulting). Ray won the game in the end, but he wouldn't have been in that position had Rondo not played the game he did. The series moves to Chi-Town tied at 1-1. 

-Shifting attention to the Bulls, I want to help F Joakim Noah with something it appears he has been struggling with since College. At The University of Florida, he was a two time national champion, and the face of one of College Basketball's rare dynasties. He played hard every game; and played well enough to be the ninth overall pick in the 2007. Yet, every time Noah steps on the floor, he is usually the object of the opposition's fans (and even his own fan's) scorn. He is at constant war with the crowd's public opinion, and he doesn't understand why. Let me clear it up for him. I'm not even going to talk about his hair; he has a mirror, I'm sure he can see what he's doing to himself (I will say however that when you're ugly, appropriate hair composition is even more crucial. A painting of a stick figure in a solid gold frame is still a stick figure, but hey look at that shine!). Unfortunately for him what people hate about him is something he'll have the most trouble changing, his personality. He plays hard, we get it. But when his intensity becomes emotion, Noah starts to have a problem. When things don't go his way, and even when they do, we get the face you see above. That picture is the reason people don't like Joakim Noah, and why it is unlikely they ever will. Thats the face we get for everything; you can't have bitter beer face be our default. Also, don't talk to the crowd. When you picked up two fouls in about 18 seconds last night, the crowd started chanting "Noah Sucks" (and who can blame them?) You scored a basket on the next possession and retreated back across mid-court shhshhhing (could someone toss me a vowel?) the crowd. What good could come of that? How many fans saw that and thought to themselves, "Well, that was two points in a game that will ultimately see 233 scored, let me just zip this mouth right up." Joke-im (Get it?), the faster you can get out of your own way, the faster you can get people to start liking you. Stop acting like a child and remember that you are a PROFESSIONAL basketball player (key word - Professional). And, unfortunately you do have to change your hair. if you don't have a mirror; get one, get to know it, and learn its relationship with a comb and scissors.

VOD - Woody Ray Allen

First of all, great shot and big Celtics Win. But what makes this video VOD worthy is what Kevin Harlan calls Ray Allen right after he makes the game winning shot (around the :12 mark). And also, how many times can TNT show Kevin Garnett saying the F word? the answer is a million.

Daily Zoot - 4/20/09 - Zoot Pandering

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed yesterday, soon

Any Good writer knows his audience, and I know my audience isn't trying to read anything today. While I don't agree with it, I can't do anything to stop it. So in lieu of the Zoot I'm just going to put up some things I've found that I think you might enjoy, today in particular. Some of the videos were hard to work with and wouldn't go up on the site without a fight, I apologize for the links. 

Test Your Awareness:

(Spoiler Alert: Its not that Good)

My Personal Favorite, the Super Slow-Motion Collection:

I Like to think they all deserve it

(Warning, this is a video of people getting punched in the face, and it is pretty violent. If you're not trying to see that go to the water balloons):

A Water Balloon Popping in Slow Motion:

And One that doesn't:

And Kind of the opposite:

An air Balloon popped Underwater

In the Interest of Space, I'm going to cut it there. I don't want to be the one who makes the Internet explode. Normal Zoot returns with your normal appetite tomorrow.

VOD - Daily Double

I'm Sure you saw the Yankees got slammed this weekend at Yankee Stadium, you might not have seen that the Indians hung nearly a decade and a half on them in One Inning! Every player in the Indian lineup had a t least a run and a hit in that inning, here it is. 

If you didn't see this either this is Arizona St. Wr Kerry Taylor during Spring workouts in Tempe. It's all in the gloves.

Daily Zoot - 4/16/09 - Say it Ain't So

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed to know yesterday, soon

Celtics Coach Doc rivers said this morning that F Kevin Garnett is likely out for the entirety of the playoffs. He suffered a knee injury in February that has gotten worse instead of better. Now it turns out he has Bone Spurs in his knee also (fantastic). If he had gotten surgery two months ago............who knows. Don't expect the Celtics to now lose in the first round to the Bulls, they should still win that series. It does mean that they likely don't have a shot to win the title anymore (something that pains me to type). 

I'm gonna cut the Zoot short because I don't think you want to hear the ramblings of a despondent Celtics Fan, and I don't want to talk about anything else. Usually I try to keep the Celtics off the site because I don't want to get carried away, but this is a special case. Tomorrow, when I come out from under the rock I've crawled under, we'll talk Zoot. 

Maybe this will make me feel better:

Daily Zoot - 4/15/09

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed to know yesterday, soon

-Josh Beckett was suspended for 6 games by Major League Baseball for throwing at Bobby Abreu's head, or as I like to call it, the fundamentals of pitching. I don't see anything wrong with what Beckett did, here's the blow by blow. Josh Beckett stood on the mound and waited to deliver the next pitch  to Bobby Abreu. Being in no hurry (he was just gonna have to pitch again next inning) he looked back and forth from the man on second to home-plate more than a handful of times. Abreu called for time the Ump granted it, and Beckett *ahem* "expressed his displeasure." So what if that expression came in the form of a 95 mph fastball right at Abreu's dome? Was our country not founded on freedom of expression? Abreu took exception (wuss) and had some choice words for Beckett. Beckett approached Abreu and tried to explain how the constitution protected his rite to threaten his life; that it was only some chin music (and Beckett is a maestro). The rest of the Angels took offense and a near brawl took place. Beckett is getting blamed for the riot when he just threw the pitch. I disagree with this. You don't blame a riot at a movie theatre on the guy who yelled fire. 

-Boxing is suddenly less gold today. Oscar "The Golden Boy" De La Hoya retired from boxing yesterday. He hangs up the gloves with a career 39-6 record (30 by knockout) ten titles across six divisions and a 1992 Olympic gold medal (Not to diminish a gold medal because I know I'm not athletic enough to even dream about winning an Olympic medal; but remember that boxing in the Olympics is like a Nerf version of real Boxing. Fully padded, heavily officiated, poorly attended. It's basically a scored dress rehearsal). He's a got a bronze statue in his likeness outside the Staples Center, and they only do that for people they really love (thats Sadaam territory). I'll chose to remember him more for being the "uncle" of Rock of Love contestant Daisy De La Hoya (Her use of the last name immediately demoted Oscar to "The Silver Boy"). Oscar retires as one of the most successful and most popular fighters of all time. He gets a lot of credit for helping to make boxing popular, essentially funneling all the pre-existent anger that exists in in the Los Angeles Metro area into a more productive activity than rioting.

-Thank God I won't have to go too long without seeing Greg Paulus (Wow, my sarcasm was so strong it warped my keyboard). Paulus is a senior PG at Duke, where he has seen his playing time decrease over his final two seasons (That's not news, that's just something I just enjoy saying over and over again). Now he is getting a look as a football player. Nobody's really surprised, Paulus was the number one QB recruit in the nation coming out of high school before deciding to play basketball at Duke over Football at Notre Dame (Lesser of two evils I guess). He got a tryout with the Packers, and is even talking about playing Quarterback at The University of Michigan Next year. I think there's a pretty big difference in playing hoops at Duke and Footy in the Big ten, and I hop Paulus is ready for the switch. At Duke, if an opponent even has intentions of playing defense, the ref calls a foul; not a lot of contact. I openly, publicly, unabashedly hate greg Paulus, but I'd be amped to see him play a year at Michigan; and I'll be cheering loudest when he suffers his first sack. 

VOD - Kicky Foots

These are some Ronaldinho highlights I thought You might enjoy. I know I never get tired of watching this kind of thing, and I don't even really like soccer. 

Daily Zoot - 4/14/09 - Siskel & Zoot

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed to know yesterday, soon

Time restraints have forced me to scrap the normal Zoot for today, and instead bring you a preview of some movies I'm looking forward to this Spring. Movie review websites have to wait until they see the movie to write a review; being a sports website I have the advantage of judging these movies only by the previews. It might be incomplete, but its first. We use a scale that goes as follows:

I'm In (I'll definitely see it in theaters)

Looks Good (Maybe in theaters, definitely on DVD)

We'll See (I'm not going out of my way)

Yikes (No dice)

Funny People:

Funny people is the story of a fading comedy star played by (based on) Adam Sandler and how he deals with his impending death. But it also has Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill in it, so it probably isn't going to be as serious as that last sentence might have made it sound. Sandler makes friends with Rogen, an aspiring comedian, and they share the trials and tribulations of what Sandler is going through. But because it is directed by Judd Apatow, there will definitely be a good deal of potty jokes along the way (good thing). Apatow's movies are very very funny, but they also tend to have a little bit of meaning in them too. Knocked Up was about how pregnancy can affect two people, and 40-year-old virgin was about starting Seth Rogen's career. I expect Funny People to be less funny than his last two movies, but still be more funny than almost any other movie out there. I'm in.

Year One:

The Year One is a buddy movie with Jack Black and Michael Cera that takes place in, you guessed it, the turn of the millennium. Jack Black gets kicked out of his tribe and travels around the world with his new compadre Michael Cera, encountering different biblical events and characters. I've heard its an homage to the Monty Python movies, and should be made in that same style. I personally don't like that style (have at me) so the verdict is out on this for me. It is going to be interesting to see how Cera's archetypal character translates to a time that was before teenage awkwardness; when a child who aced like him would have died at a very young age. The man doesn't have a lot of range, he's lucky everyone seems to love that character. Him and Jack Black should make for a funny combo, I'm just worried they might have tried to do too much. Looks Good.

Sleeper Pick: The Hangover

The Hangover is a movie about a Las Vegas (good) Bachelor Party (better) with Ed Helms and Zach Galifinakis (Best). You might know Ed Helms as the Nard Dog on the Office; and if you don't know Zach Galifinakis (the bearded guy) I implore you to watch the modern cinematic masterpiece that is Out Cold. They are just two of four friends who go to Vegas to celebrate a wedding and end up losing the groom in the process. They have to unravel the whole night through a series of zany adventures and yadda yadda yadda Rob Riggle shoots one of them in the face with a taser. It has the chance to be a trite Bachelor Party movie, but like that version had Hanks and Zmed to help pull it through, we;ve got Helms and Galifinakis. Looks good.

VOD - Throwin' Bo's

The Celtics were losing this game by a ton and Ray Allen thought he had to do something about it with that boney bend in his arm. 

Daily Zoot - 4/13/09 - Masters Wrap-up edition

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed to know yesterday, soon

-Angel Cabrera won the Master's yesterday,defeating Kenny Perry and Chad Campbell in a two hole playoff. El Pato, or the duck (a nickname given to him based on the way he walks, during elementary school you gotta believe) didn't play great on Sunday, but he played good when it mattered most. Hats off to the duck who waddled his way to a first green jacket. 

-Nobody even knew what Cabrera or Perry or Campbell were doing until they were on about the 12th hole because something way better was going on ahead of them. Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson were paired together at the Master's for only the second time ever. For fans its a dream come true, like a chocolate covered marshmallow (racial connotations, and fat Phil jokes intended). Unfortunately they started the day 7 back from the leaders, and I don't think anyone (particularly me) thought that they had a chance to make a run. Boy were we (I) wrong. For a while it looked like Phil and Tier totally forgot about the rest of the tournament. They went shot for shot, hole for hole all the way back into contention. Phil was -6 on the front nine, but a Phil collapse on the back is more predictable than an episode of House (It's not Lupus). Tiger made it all the way to -10 before dropping a stroke on each of the last two holes (when does that ever happen by the way?). Phil finished with a 67, and Tiger with a 68. They needed a 65 to win, but I don't think anyone is mad at them for coming up a little short. 

-I hate to talk about it but kenny perry had a collapse of monumental (Washington even) proportions. Let me set the scene for those who were too busy with any number religious obligations to watch (priorities). 16th hole, par 3; one of the most famous holes in championship golf. Kenny Perry steps up and hits the shot of his and anyone else's life. He sticks it to 18 inches then strolls up and basically blows it into the hole. So now he stands on the 17th tee with a 2 shot lead. Put a fork in it, lock it up, Done deal, it's all over, warm up the bus; there aren't enough colloquialisms  to describe how over this tournament was. Then Perry, one of the more consistent ball strikers on tour, couldn't put the club head on the ball. He bogeyed the final two holes, while El Pato only had to par out to make the playoff. Perry would lose on the second playoff hole. I think the worst part was seeing Perry's entire family standing behind the 18th green, witnessing to the implosion. That is one uncomfortable mini van ride home. 

VOD(s) - Craziness

Here are a couple great plays from late last week, in case you missed them.

This didn't end up counting because all that detritus above the hoop is out of bounds, but still.  

This one did count, but I'm not sure how comfortable I am with the foot's legality in Volleyball. It's hard to see, but look at the guy in white around the 11 second mark.

Daily Zoot - 4/9/09 - Wide World of Zoot

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed to know yesterday, soon

Today we're gonna take a little break from sports. Let's instead hop on the Zoot Express and check out some things going on around the world (The United States).

-Kelley Coffman-Lee is a vegan and she doesn't care who knows it. The back of her car (a gas guzzling Izuzu SUV I might add, way to half-ass it Kelley) is plastered with bumper stickers proclaiming her love of all foods inanimate. Kelley wanted to her license plate to share her pro-veg methodology because, well, there is no room for dietary neutrality on her bumper. The choice she made for her vanity plate has landed her in some hot water, like a nice Maine Lobster (bad analogy). The plate Kelley submitted to the state simply proclaimed her love for bean curd, the lettering does cause somewhat of a problem. Her request read, "ILVTOFU" or "I LOVE TOFU"..............................or "I LOVE TO F*** YOU" whatever your mind wants (nobody's mind wants Tofu). Kelley didn't realize her error when she first submitted it (Yeah, I like Fishsticks). She is upset because Tofu is an important part of her family's diet, and she feels that the DMV misinterpreted the message behind her plate, "There just isn't enough room to spell out, 'have sex with yo'-I mean........." The DMV has a policy against FU on license plates, because (Do they really need a reason?) they don't want anyone to misconstrue the message. It looks like in this particular case, the red-blooded, meat eating, tofu hating majority wins (we always do). 

-Water Jet Pack. Wait, What?

Did you know that we are closer to Green Goblin-esque villainy than ever? Aren't you excited? This is a company called Jet Lev that has made a water propelled jet pack, and it appears to work. I don't need to tell you how important a functioning jet pack can be to our society, you were all 13 years old once. I think my favorite part of the video is the warning that dock landings and takeoffs are dangerous, like the rest of what's going on isn't:

"Daddy can I try the jet pack?"

"Were you planning on executing any dock takeoffs/landings?"

"No"

"What the heck, it is your 6th birthday, strap her on."

I can't overstate the significance of a jet pack, actually I don't think anyone has that ability. The best I can do is try to say what I think it means: A Jet Pack is the missing link between humanity and what humanity can ultimately become, and its pretty neat.

VOD - Ankle Issues

Derrick Rose breaking ankles. Well... just two... Andre Miller's.

Daily Zoot - 4/8/09 - A Zoot Unlike any Other

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed to know yesterday, soon

-This week the Masters returns, and with it meaning to my life. I didn't realize how much I loved the Master's until I noticed some of the ways that I behave differently this week:

 

-The voice of my inner monologue is replaced by Jim Nantz

-I can recognize, identify, and appreciate Azaleas.

-I find myself trying to rationalize the anti-semitism at Augusta National, "Well, we typically aren't very good golfers..."

Everything about the Masters is awesome; The Prize, the most prestigious trophy in golf, is something you would find in a pimp's closet (If Archbishop Don "Magic" Juan had a nickel for every time someone mistook him for a masters champion...). The song on the broadcast sounds like an angel with gold fingers playing on a piano made of love. And there aren't any women allowed (Holler at me Hootie). The best thing is that the whole is even better than the sum of its collective parts. The Masters is the jungle juice of golf tournaments, and I wish I could be drunk on it all year.

-I'm going to try and pick a winner because, well, I really enjoyed the lack of accountability that came with making bad tournament picks. It's a total win-draw situation. There are 96 competitors in the Masters, but when you pick a winner it comes down to one of two options; Tiger or the Field. Tiger hasn't won the Masters in four years, and this is only his fourth tournament since returning from knee surgery. But if I said to you, "100 boneskis; I'll take Tiger, you got the field" do you take that bet? Of course not (especially not in this economy when boneskis are more valuable than ever). Give me Tiger, at -8.

-Congratulations to the Lady Huskies of UConn (woot woot) who capped off a 39-0 season with a win against Louisville in last night's NCAA Championship game; reppin' that 860 (I think that's the first time reppin' has ever been used in the same sentence as a semicolon). They won by more than 34 ppg, and won every game by at least 10. They trailed only once in the second half this season, the first possession against Notre Dame. Usually you have to pay good money for domination like that (their safety word was Auriemma).

VOD - Them Video Anthology

In honor of Michael headed to the hall, three of my favorite Jordan commercials.

Clearly his universe operates in "Bill & Ted"'s theory of time travel where you can exist with yourself in another time. If this happened on Lost, we'd all be dead.

As much as I love him, does anyone have less charisma than Larry Bird?

I was in this commercial originally; I played Michael getting cut from his high school team, but that got left on the cutting room floor.

Daily Zoot - 4/7/09 - Opening Day Recap

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed to know yesterday, soon

This edition of the Zoot is meant to catch all the stories from Yesterday's Opening Day that you might have missed. But first, a requisite mention of the National Championship:

-I don't like to say I told you so...I love it. And if you remember correctly *ahem* I called UNC to win the National Championship last night. Sure they were the third team I picked to win it all; but a pick's a pick and that has to mean something (it doesn't). And I can't complain with North Carolina winning it, even if I think Tyler Hansbrough looks like David after Dentist. 

Now on to the Diamond:

-The biggest story from Yesterday, for me at least, was that Ken Griffey jr. Homered in his first game back with the Seattle Mariners. The kid came up with the Mariners in 1989 and played 11 of history's best seasons in the Emerald City. When he left Seattle for Cincy in 1999 Baseball fans died a little bit. Here's a comparison for non-Baseball fans. When The Beatles no longer were together, Paul McCartney joined Wings. Sure Wings is decent (I could live and let die all day), and Paul was pretty good in it, but you just want to see him with that mop top. Griffey's Home Run yesterday was as close to a Beatles reunion as I think we'll ever get. 

-C.C. Sabathia gave up 6 runs, and Mark Texiera went hitless in their Yankee debut. The team spent 340 million dollars on these guys alone, and I'm ready to write them off. Sample size Shmample Size, I've seen enough. Texeiera's performance is somewhat understandable. He's from MD, and was being booed by his own hometown fans, I get it. But I expected CC to show up at least. He's a monster. He's 6'7", and is listed at 290 lbs. He usually looks like Paul Bunyan on the mound. Yesterday he looked like Grimace in pinstripes. If I'm a Yankee's fan, how badly do I feel that I actually miss Alex Rodriguez?

-The Mets surgically reconstructed bullpen held up in their first test. Newly acquired releivers JJ Putz and K-Rod were able to shut the door on a 2-1 Mets Victory. I'm not going to make a joke now. This is the part of the season, where the Mets look good and build a healthy lead in the NL East, that we in the biz call the set up. When the Mets end the season crumbling faster than feta ... again ... that'll be the punch line.

If you missed Opening Day, don't worry about. You could miss the next two months and still have a hundred games left. Because in Baseball, you can never spread yourself too thin.

VOD - Obviously

Like it wasn't gonna be One Shining Moment. 

Daily Zoot - 4/6/09 - National Chip Edit.

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed to know yesterday, soon

1 Out Of 2: I'll take it!

It does bug me that the one I didn't get was my beloved Huskies, and that I will likely never have another good reason to support Tanzania as wholeheartedly (and what a picture this is). But UNC made it through and they will face Michigan St. in tonight's NCAA Final. I got 50% on Saturday, and I'm feelin' pretty good. I was so bad earlier that this recent hot-streak of mediocrity has actually inflated my mood. I just flew to the middle of the pack. with this renewed blind confidence, here's my pick for tonight's game (based on my picks for Saturday, there's a 50% chance that this is how its going to be)

(drumroll)

North Carolina def. Michigan St. 86-67

UNC was the pick to win the national championship before the season, and I think that's where they end up. I think they make a pretty easy day out of it too. People are always looking for comparisons, and there is a pretty good one for this game. We got North Carolina (check) v. Michigan St. (yup) in front of a strong Michigan St. crowd (bingo) on the same ridiculous field (come on, really?). In early December these two teams matched up on Ford Field to test it out before this year's final four. North Carolina whooped Spartans by 35. I know Mich St. didn't have Goran Sutan, but he's not exactly spinach (is that always what Popeye's face looked like? or did he just open the arc of the covenant?) UNC beat them then, and they will beat them, end of story.

But the story doesn't end there, Michigan St. is a different team now than they were back then. They have the entirety of Michigan hanging on their back (which is easy because its shaped like a hand). detroit has been going through some tough times, for sports but especially in the economy, and the city is really enjoying having a run like this. Its like getting fired, dumped, and beat up; but then finding a penny on the sidewalk. Every little bit of hope helps. Unfortunately, for the hopes and dreams of the hopeless and dreamless, I don't think its going to be enough. North Carolina has too many Pros. Each one of their five starters, and a couple on their bench, will at least have a cup of coffee in the league. michigan St. has two or three, tops. 

What I've been trying to avoid, but under relentless pressure have decided to mention, is that these teams share a rare characteristic; a loss to Maryland. Editor's sidenote: I went through something similar to this in 2003 when Syracuse won the national championship, but had been swept in the regular season by UConn. I feel now as I did then, that Maryland automatically should become the national champion. We beat both of them, I mean, what else do you want? And don't say consistent success instead of occasional flashes of brilliance, because that doesn't count and you know it.  We get the surprisingly understated trophy, Gary gets to keep his job, and Greives Vazquez becomes Commissioner of earth, done and done.

Duh - April 6th 2009 is MJ Day

The 2009 class of the NBA's Hall of Fame is released today...

Yup. You guessed it. Michael Jordan is officially going in the Hall. How could you possibly vote "No" for a career-boosting, high-flying(the best video ever created) winning machine? Well maybe if you played in the NBA while Jordan was taking his six rings: Shaq, Mr. Snickers, Charles Barkley, John Stockton, Karl Malone, Gary Payton and Clyde Drexler. But they wouldn't vote against him - 30 pieces of silver couldn't even budge Rodman to vote no.

On a serious note, I am not condoning calling Jordan the greatest player of all time, which he most likely is. There are arguments for Jordan and there are several players that make it seem like Jordan shouldn't be it. Wilt, Kareem, even the likes of Bird and Magic. But even if you're a Wilt fan, you have to realize something: Bill Russell technically has 15 Rings (2 from College, and he was a player/coach in the NBA for two of his 11 Championship seasons), 1 Gold Medal, and more recently a pretty nifty trophy named after him.

The argument for ppg (points per game) falls short here. Best player of all time definitely would go to the man that had the most rings - that's the big goal, right? Like everyone says, defense wins Championships - but you gotta love His Airness.

If we could grab a time machine I'd love to send Lebron to the 60's and bring Bill back. Let's see what kind of deals Nike would have for him. The Eras are different, the competition was different, but you can never say that one player or the other stood alone as the #1 player. It's more like #1*

*Asterisk indicates an unbreakable tie

VOD(s) - Them Video Anthology

In honor of today being the official opening day (one game doesn't count Philadelphia) here's a collection of the worst first pitches in history. Hopefully this list grows a little today. 

Yeah, that is Mariah Carey. And Yup, she is in Japan. No, I don't know why. It was a terrible decision for her to do this, but I'm not surprised; she did marry Drumline. 

This is the Assistant Dean of the Nevada Medical School. Even Vegas' Medical School gets hammered. 

This video gets points because it's mixed with one of my favorite ad campaigns of all time. If you could mix in a little dudemadness (don't be afraid to click that, you'll enjoy it-and not like that) I don't think I'd ever leave my computer.

And the cream of the crop, the greatest pitch of all time. This is Cincy Mayor Mark Mallory on Red's opening day. Mallory's your last name, right? Because you're really in a league of your own. Zing!

Daily Zoot - 4/2/09 - Practice?

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed to know yesterday, soon

Due to time restrictions, the Zoot has been cut a little short today. Back in full in the coming days.

- After missing 16 games with a sore back, Allen Iverson returned to the Piston's lineup this week; well not really lineup, and that's sort of the problem. Iverson has been coming off the bench since his return, an arrangement he had endorsed while he was injured. I remember hearing that he was ok with a bench role and then immediately bracing myself for the apocalypse. Luckily my faith in Iverson, and to a much larger extent in the inevitability of existence, has been restored. Its only been three games and Iverson is already tired of his new role. He would rather retire than come off the bench; he said, "I recently discovered there is an "I"in Pistons, and a capital "I" in Iverson." AI has been a starter since he was the number one overall pick in 1996, and is the poster child for athlete primadonnadom(ness?). Talking about Iverson issues gives me a chance to bring up a ThemSports favorite, let this wash over you:

That's the Iverson I like. Not the one who chopped off his rows and accepted a bench role. If you ask me, you gotta do you, and nobody does he better than Allen Iverson. Part of me is glad Iverson has resorted to his old ways, I was waiting for the seasons to stop changing.