Daily Zoot - 3/31/09 - Grasping at Straws

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed to know yesterday, soon

I'll admit it, I felt a little bit dirty after I broke my promise promise to stop talking college hoops, and did the complete opposite in yesterday's Zoot. Luckily, Axe makes a body wash that removes guilt, It's called Axe:Complacency. A quick rub-a-dub-dub and I'm ready to compromise my journalistic integrity all over again. Because at this point in March Madness, I'll take any correct pick I can muster, even if I have to pick my nose (Gross!). If you weren't with us yesterday (no biggie just scroll down a scosh), we picked UConn to advance past Michigan St. in the first final four game, mostly because of my ignorance/fear of the midwest. So lets turn our attention to the other game, and see if we can't wrangle up a winner.

North Carolina v. Villanova

Why North Carolina Will Win:

UNC is going to win because they have Tyler Hansbrough. He is the face of the sport; and as we've learned with Tim Tebow, guys like that don't tend to lose. I like to imagine that Hansbrough and Tebow were raised together by wolves in a very Romulus and Remus type scenario. Would it surprise anyone if that turned out to be the case?  North Carolina also has Ty Lawson, and it appears that he is finally healthy. His lingering injury was the biggest news-story about feet since this little piggy wanted roast beef. Behind their two stars UNC is a deep and talented team. Wayne Ellington provides outside shooting and musical accompaniment. Danny Green does a little bit of everything on the court, which is miraculous considering his ongoing battle with epilepsy (that's the same thing Elaine had right?) and Deon Thompson leads a strong rotation of Big guys not named Hansbrough. On paper, UNC is as good as any team in the country. 

Why Villanova Will Win:

I'm going to be honest, I had Villanova losing in the second round to UCLA, so I'm not really sure what chance they have against UNC. I know I wouldn't pick them, and maybe that's not such a bad thing. Villanova seems like the classic, "because no one said we could" team. The requirements are simple; you have to be a little undersized, and at least 65% of your players have to be "scrappy", whatever that means. While I don't think they can win, Nova already took down heavily favored Pitt; so its clear that they have no regard for the success of my picks (jerks). If Nova is going to beat UNC they have to get under Hansbrough's skin and exploit the Tar Heels' defensive inadequacies. Scottie reynolds is a multi-talented lead guard, and Dante Cunningham has good size and athleticism to match up with Tyler. If Nova's big guns can out duel UNC's, than the Cats have a chance.

Who Will Win:

UNC: While I love the Big East Pedigree Nova touts, I also feel that the Heels are too deep. Both teams are trying to play a running game, and UNC simply has more horses.

That hypothetically sets up UConn v. UNC in the National Championship game. I bet you want me to pick it? Well I'm not going to. I have enough trouble picking games between two teams I know are playing each other, let alone two that might or might not. I've embarrassed myself enough. I'll pick the national championship game on Monday, and I have a feeling it'll be between Nova and Sparty.

Cane's Corner 3/31/09

After a bit of a hiatus the Corner is back with those crazy news stories you never heard about..

A Kazakhstan woman claims that she is 130 years old! This would shatter the previous record for world's older person held by a Frenchwoman who died at 122 in 1997. Skeptics believe that she is unlikely to be 130 because her only living daughter is 76, meaning that she would have given birth at 54. Sahan Dosova showed AP reporters her passport and identity card which show her date of birth as March 27, 1879. I don't know about you but I'm certainly moving to Kazakhstan for some R and R with my man along with her

A 19-year old man was arrested in Harrisburg, PA while trying to rob a retired police chief at a police officers convention. John Comparetto was robbed at gunpoint while coming out of a bathroom at a convention of 300 narcotics officers from Pennsylvania and Ohio. The man is described as "probably the dumbest criminal in Pennsylvania". When leaving the courtroom the suspect commented "I'm smooth". This man earned a spot with an elite few.

Heres a lesson in driving drunk, a woman from Washington state was arrested for driving drunk THREE TIMES in THREE DAYS while on vacation in Wisconsin. What a vacation, the first arrest came when she was trying to drive out of a ditch with one shoe on. Her blood alcohol level of 0.21 was almost three times the legal driving limit of .08. A day later she was arrested after her car got stuck in the snow in a park that was clearly closed for winter. Don't worry I've already put in a call for her to get some counseling from another alcoholic.

You know that State Farm young drivers commercial featuring some tricks in T.V. magic, I love it especially the young kid at the end grabs his jacket on his way out to work. Well a Montana woman put her 12-year old daughter to the test by letting her drive the girls three younger siblings to daycare some five miles from their home. The mother let her daughter drive children whose ages range from 1 to 4 years old all because she was sick and on medication. The mother faces five criminal counts and a one-on-one session with Oprah and Dr. Phil for a "what-the-hell-were-you-thinking".

VOD - Bob Knight's Calves

This is a new commercial for Guitar Hero featuring UNC Coach Roy Williams, Louisville's Rick Pitino, Duke's Mike shsjfjejkskdocneuwski, and Bob Knight. Bob Knight in underwear is more rock'n'roll than Metallica.

Them Sports Best Movie Ballers pt. II & III

Here it is folks, believe it or not there is more to basketball than the NCAA Tournament. Created in 1985 and beloved for decades to follow is our second installment in the Best Sports Movie Ballers:

Teen Wolf

The only reason this movie is awesome is because of the main character,
Scott Howard, and the fact that he's played by Michael J. Fox. If I said
the names Jeph Loeb or Matthew Weisman would they ring a bell? No?
Didn't think so. These genius writers came up with Teen Wolf and then
rode their fame to create episodes of Lost and the movie Burglar,
starring Whoopi Goldberg. (1985 equivalent of Mad Money)

In the end I really don't even care about this movie - but I'll give you
the reader's digest version:

1. Kid is struggling on a bad high school team
   
2. He's undersized and they can't win
   
3. He wants a girl; she wants a guy who doesn't call himself Jenius
   
4. Holy crap there's a full moon: Michael J. Fox = Werewolf
   
5. Dad says "I prayed you wouldn't get my wolf-blood" and drops a
6. Spider-Man reference
   
7. Overly-insulated half-animal = amazing at basketball
   

Remember John Tucker? He was shaven; without 4" arm hair, and even
seduced teachers. But he NEVER had Teen Wolf status. Would YOU
befriend a man that looks like he shouldstanding next to half of a Statue
of Liberty?

Front flips, no misses, and the admiration of everyone he wanted, and
he doesn't need a coat.

That's a baller.

THEM SPORTS BEST MOVIE BALLERS pt III

The Monstars

So the Looney Tunes meet their worst enemy ever, Swackhammer, outer space's Al Davis. Who am I kidding - it IS Al Davis. Regardless, this gruesome leader demands that Bugs Bunny and gang must come work for him at Moron Mountain. Oh no!

Somehow, Bugs convinces the slave-master to allow the Luney Tunes to play Al Davi--Swackhammer's squad. His goon crew goes out to basketball arenas in the US after Baller Mojo like they're Doctor Evil. This squad, ladies and gents, is our part III of an ongoing mini-series that is the Them Sports Best Sports Movie Ballers:

Pound, Bang, Blanko, Nawt And Bupkus are the most complete
team that outer space has ever assembled overnight. It's fitting
that Pound is the name of the Alien who steals Charles Barkley's
talent/weight(drinking) problems. I think it's hilarious that the one
with a flat-top (Bang) is overly aggressive which I blame on his
host Patrick Ewing's extreme love of peanuts. And why not throw
in the likes of Larry Johnson as the emotional Bupkus, and round
off the post with Shawn Bradley's skill and stupidity. Nawt, on the
other hand is fantastic. This little guy obviously steals Mugsey
Bogues' vertical and goes to town on the Toons with no remorse

Long story short these Aliens drive the Toons to convince Michael

Jordan out of retirement (easiest thing ever), so that he can come

back and ruin another franchise. Did I say that? I meant that they

convinced him to give up baseball (smartest thing ever) because

he wasn't a baseball player. Somehow the Toons lose but

Swashuckler or whatever his name is gets beat up by the Monstars,

who are awesome.

I never said the plot was gold; I'm not sure if it's bronze, or even

fake-tan. But it had the Luney Toons, it had Michael, and it had

the best cartoon team of ballers assembled in animation history:

the Monstars.

Daily Zoot - 3/30/09 - Final Four Shot in the Dark

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed to know yesterday, soon

A week ago today I promised that I was done with College Basketball. I thought I wasn't qualified to pick games because I had a history of getting it wrong. Then I saw Seth Davis' bracket , and I realized picking winners doesn't really matter. Seth is a college basketball writer for Sports Illustrated, and a studio analyst for CBS' coverage of the big dance. Seth got one final four team in. ONE! If he can bat .250 and still be on television, than my .250 should at least lift the college basketball ban from the Zoot. So I'm gonna break that promise, and I don't really feel that bad about it either:

UConn v. Michigan St.

Why Uconn will win: 

Living near, and having been to Storrs, Connecticut I can assure you that the Huskies will be trying as hard as they can to extend their vacation, even if it is in Detroit. 8 Mile is a waaaaaaay better movie than Grizzly Adams. Don't get me wrong, the UConn Campus is beautiful. I'm just saying that a diamond in the rough is still in the rough; and if we're talking about rough, Storrs is the US Open. Also, they have a pretty good basketball team. You already know what to expect from Them Player of the Year Hasheem Thabeet. AJ Price has been so good this tournament its criminal, that's not a laptop joke; I'm just saying he could be a steal for someone in the upcoming draft (Wordplay!). And as weird looking as Stanley Robinson is (he's got two foreheads and he keeps one on top of the other), he is an explosive leaper and matchup night mare. And don't you just feel safer rooting for Jeff Adrien than against him? He's a big scary man, and I'm not trying to get on his bad side. 

Why Michigan St. Will Win:

The final four is being played in Detroit, so Michigan St. should have the decided home court advantage. The game is being played at Ford Field. Because of the way the stadium is set up, even if it is sold out there will be tens of thousands of empty seats. But the Lions play there so no one really knows what it looks like full anyway. By the way, I can't help but appreciate the cruel irony that a championship anything is being awarded where the Detroit Lions play. Michigan St. is a tough defensive minded team led by PG Kalin Lucas, big guy Goran Suton, and swingman Raymar Morgan. Suton had 19 points and 10 rebounds in the elite 8. If he comes up at your tournament watching party, may I recommend making the "Hey You Guuuuyyss" joke? Or maybe just the frankenstein walk; its all gold. 

Who Will Win:

UConn. They have superior talent, and the biggest person in the room. You never mess with the biggest person in the room. If they play like they're supposed to, they should make it to the final game.

I'm milking the final four for all its worth, so read tomorrow's Zoot for my take on UNC/NOVA.

VOD - Head On

This video is dedicated to all those who had the Sooners picked to win the National Championship. Just me? Well to me then.

Daily Zoot - 3/26/09 - Animal Takeover Edition

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed to know yesterday, soon

You can always tell when I'm out of sports stories because I'll print something on Hockey. I fired that round yesterday, and the wide of world of sports didn't give me anymore ammo today. There's nothing I can do, there just is not anything that interesting going on. There are interesting things however going on outside the world of sports (as I've learned occasionally happens) so I'm gonna try my hand in tackling those. The most interesting is that animals have chosen 2009 as the year that they take back planet earth from the humans (I was surprised too). Its only March, look at these moves they've already made. 

-I'm going to ask that you read this next sentence slowly and try to understand that its not a joke:

The entire state of Florida is being overrun by Pythons, more than 30,000, and no one has any idea how to stop them.

During the last wave of hurricanes, hundreds of snakes escaped from pets stores that were damaged during the storms. They have since been reproducing like they have a show on TLC. Now they number in the tens of thousands and are slowly spreading upwards to the rest of the U.S.. The snakes can grow to be 12 feet long; some have been found with the remains of an entire FULL GROWN DEER inside them. If they can swallow deer with all the legs and antlers, a chubby human must be like a cough drop to them. If it sounds like I'm being an alarmist, its because I am; I'm a chubby human and I use a minty body wash. How is there not a plan to stop them? What are Jennifer Lopez and Ice Cube doing right now? I'd ask Samuel L. but I know he's shooting 13 different movies at this exact moment. The snakes are extremely adaptable (perfect) and could potentially thrive in as much as 1/3rd of the continental U.S., which is insane considering that Jews (I'm jewish, it's cool) still can't get off the coasts. The only plan officials have is that if you live in an area with a high concentration of snakes, you should stay in your home. I'm gonna go ahead and second that. 

-I'm actually ok with the little bit of retribution fish are starting to take, we do a lot of messed up things to fish. Let's think about why they might be mad for a second: 

Do you remember how sad you were during Finding Nemo? (not the turtle part, or the shark part, or the Ellen Degeneres part; those parts of fish life are awesome) Remember how emotionally crippled the entire fish community was that even one of their own was gone? And that was just a careful scooping with a net, have you ever seen a harpoon gun? When we finally get them on the boat, and we get the hook out of their cheek (you're welcome) they slowly die of asphyxiation. That is unless we just want to throw them back, because some just fish for the love of torture (What do you call water boarding when you already live under water?). PETA said earlier this year that enough was enough and launched a campaign to have fish renamed Sea Kittens, assuming people would be more weary to abuse an animal with that name (don't underestimate us PETA). Even fish were like, "Seas Kittens? thanks but I think Ill stick with the hook in my face."

That brings us to the revenge, and it is dubious. There are types of pedicures that allow a tank full of fish to peck at the dead skin on the foot of the spa patron. It's a classic Flintstones, "Its a living" situation. Recently the fish have started to eat the feet put in their tank. I know its hard to believe that a one inch long fish is having trouble remembering the protocol of an expensive spa treatment, but its happening. People are still getting the treatment because, well, the resiliency of our laziness is remarkable. I'm fine with this because honestly, fish really do deserve to win one. But there's no denying this is the first step in a work animal revolution. So you can kiss your monkey butler goodbye.

This is just the beginning folks, neither of these animals even has legs, and they're already starting to rise up. Imagine what will happen when we face an animal with the ability to rise. If the Zoot is muffled tomorrow, its because its being written from the inside of a burmese python, and you'll know its already too late.

This Week On Buzz Kill, March 26th ed.

- Mid Majors. Gonzaga is the only remaining mid-major team left in the NCAAs, and they're almost as mid-major as T.O. is a good teammate. Utah, BYU, Butler, and VCU were all ousted in the first round. Cleveland State, Western Kentucky, Dayton, and Sienna made it to round two when no one expected them to. I guess ranked mid-major teams are still overrated and unranked mid-majors are still the biggest threat.

- David Price. Clutch performance to close out the ALCS, number 1 pitching prospect, 2008 minor league player of the year, leading 2009 rookie of the year award candidate, a filthy 1.08 ERA this spring, and a ticket to Triple-A Durham. Damn it's hard to earn a spot on the Rays.

- Lane Kiffin. Re-read yesterday's Daily Zoot.

- Florida State. Their appeal against the NCAA's smackdown, which included 4 years probation and vacating any wins the involved athletes participated, was rejected by NCAA President, Myles Brand. Honestly, if you cheat, you cheat. It sucks. But there's no sense in denying it. The real reason for the appeal: vacating 14 of Bobby Bowden's victories might seal the deal on Joe-Pa ending his career numero uno. That is, unless Jimbo Fisher wants to be the coach in waiting through 2013.

VOD - You Come and Go

Does anyone know if this is actually how it works? It can't be that easy.

Daily Zoot - 3/25/09

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed to know yesterday, soon

-Late last week Alexander Ovechkin of the Washington Capitols scored his 50th goal of the season. 50 is about twice as many goals as I thought any team scored over the course of the season, so kudos to Alex. But not everyone in the NHL Camp is thrilled with Ovie. They're not upset about the goals (people watched it on tv, believe me they're thrilled). They're upset about the way he celebrated after scoring that goal. In case you missed it, Ovechkin put his stick on the ground and fanned it as if it were on fire, no big deal right? Its tame, like something Ocho Cinco would use to celebrate a successful touchdown dance. But people across the sport have spoken out against it including Don Cherry, a hockey analyst/eccentric chocolate factory owner from Canada. Does the NHL not remember that they didn't have a season a couple years ago because no one felt Hockey was exciting enough? Now they are trying to put the kibosh on one of their most exciting talents. Come on Hockey, you're trying to sell drought to the thirsty, don't turn down a glass of water. 

-Is it possible that the evil in Raiders Owner Al Davis spreads to those he comes in contact with? When former coach Lane Kiffin arrived in Oakland he did so with an excellent reputation as a person and a coach that he got while at USC, one of the nations best programs. It took Davis under 2 years to go Keith Moon in the hotel room of Lane Kiffin's soul. Kiffin has since been hired as the Head Coach at the University of Tennessee. Within four months he's already a bigger enemy to the rest of the SEC than black coaching candidates (I said it). He started out by claiming Florida Head Coach Urban Meyer had made recruiting violations when it turns out he hadn't. Let's ignore for a second that the claims were untrue and this is libel (I've got no problem with libel; huge fan). But if you're going to commit libel (and again I encourage it) you don't do it against the Gators. Florida has won two of the last three National Championships, while Tennessee football has been outshined on their own campus by women's basketball (which is terrible, believe me). Now, Florida has plastered the walls of their practice facilities, not with a UT logo, not with a player in uniform, but with a quote and pictures of Lane Kiffin's face. His Face! David didn't call Goliath a bitch before they fought, and that seemed to work out for him. Lane seems to be going the other way with it. 

-This is a pretty bizarre story, and I'm so glad that it is loosely tied to sports so I can talk about it. Earlier this week a woman posing as an immigration official kidnapped a baby. She approached the mother in a clinic, told her that the whole family was going to get deported, but that she could help the baby if she took her. First of all, help her with what exactly? Is she going to set up the baby with an apartment when the rest of the family leaves? I would assume the mother would want to take the 2-month-old with her, but you know what happens when you assume. The mother obliged (why wouldn't she?) and basically buckled her baby into the child-seat of the kidnapper's car. Back at home, during a commercial in her stories, the mother thought to herself, "Gee, I don't think I ever saw any credentials, and I don't think government officials drive 1981 Honda Civics with leopard print seats. That's Odd." When she found herself not being deported later that afternoon she started to become really suspicious. She called it in, and the cops were able to find the baby and the woman who had posed as "Janet" to abduct it. The happy ending is that the child is back home and safe; at least until the next time she's under only her mother's supervision. The main suspect is the wife of Pittsburgh Pirates prospect, Jose Tabata. Not a name you need to know, not even a team you need to know, I just needed a reason to talk about it, so thanks Jose for marrying a crazy bitch.

Drama Done in Little D?...For Now

Oh, no you didn't...

When Josh McDaniels settled in Denver, there was quickly a clash of interests between the new head coach and the returning Pro-Bowl quarterback, Jay Cutler. What did you really think would happen when footballers stopped acting polite and started acting real?

Even Davis and Tyrie were surprised when their claim to fame as the Best Fight on the Real World was surpassed by the new Bronco roommates' antics. Apparently, Denver is the place to be for silly fights that are highly publicized and no one really cares about them because everyone knows both parties are just doing their best imitation of The Plastics (see picture). Building upon the standards set from past episodes, McDaniels and Cutler took their fight to another level on the awesomeness scale, never attained before.

The sulking and crying Cutler and co. jumped to conclusions, pointed the finger and sold their homes in the Denver area. Think the Cutlers just wanted to move into a larger pad? Nah, those tears were genuine. Plus, after digging through the trash, there's no way someone could go through all that chocolate ice cream without having cried at some point.

McDaniels, looking to one-up Cutler, reverted to his mentor's style of handling public criticism and locker room issues. He didn't say anything. He taped it so that it could be used to game-plan later. Smart Joshy, always looking for a leg up on his competition.

However, now all of that is worked out. Jay's the starter with Josh's support, but if Josh decides he can upgrade, he left that door open. So, just like Brooke and Davis, and Cady Heron and Regina George, Josh McDaniels and Jay Cutler set aside their differences after enough emotional trauma was inflicted, for now.

VOD - Battling Intros

Tickets in Cleveland no longer grant you admission to the game. You watch Lebron's Intro and then are politely ushered out of the stadium.

Daily Zoot - 3/24/09

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed to know yesterday, soon

-Gilbert Arenas plans to maybe return to the Washington Wizards lineup Saturday. He has been out the entire season with a knee injury. You might be asking (and rightfully so), "But Zoot, Why do I care, is this even news?" Well it isn't, and you shouldn't. It turns out Arenas manufactured the tiny amount of buzz surrounding his return by giving contrasting reports to multiple news agencies. The story is no longer the return, but the reports themselves. You can't make your own nicknames, and you can't make your own news; Gil has now done both. He needs people to notice him. At this point, he might as well be standing arms length from the media and the public, "Not touching can't get mad." I think if maybe we stopped writing stories about him he would disappear completely. Gilbert Arenas without attention is like Marty Mcfly without Earth Angel, Gone. 

-Yesterday Terrell Owens failed to report to the first day of voluntary mini-camp with his new squad, the Buffalo Bills. These minicamps are really only voluntary by name only, like, "O honey you don't have to get me anything for our anniversary." Owens isn't just showing up without flowers, he isn't showing up at all. No one is questioning Owens condition, he's huge. He had to put a clause in his new contract about the right to bear arms; and another one about the right to bare arms (would you put sleeves on those pythons?). People are questioning why he would chose to start this relationship with a new team like this. Terrell Owens destroying a team is like evolution: We still call it a theory, but its pretty much accepted as fact. So why would the Bills sign him? is a question that a rational, logical human being might be asking. When you have talent, there will always be a Kansas School Board. 

-Lance Armstrong broke his collar bone when he fell off his bike during the Vuelta of Castilla and Leon Race in Spain. The Collar bone is known as the clavicle; it is located in the shoulder and connects your chest to your live-strong bracelet (More important Bracelet historically: Live-strong or Slap? Discuss) Lance was planning on returning to the Tour de France this summer. He had taken a few years off, citing personal reasons and frustration with doping allegations. He sees this Tour as a chance to quiet those who claim drugs have tainted his reputation. There is precedent; No one talks about all that crap Robert Downey jr. used to get into now that he's made a few good movies in a row. He even got nominated for an Oscar, somehow. Lance thinks that if he can rock the Tour this Summer it will be his playing a black guy. 

He Said It...

VOD - Dunk Flip

Can't a white guy dunk and not look awkward just one time? Please just once. I just need to know its possible.

Daily Zoot - 3/23/09

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed to know yesterday, soon

First let me Welcome Back everyone who was on Spring Break like the Daily Zoot was. Its good to be home.

-I'm not going to even try and write about the NCAA Tournament. How am I a credible source when my bracket's more scratched up than John Daly's face? I tried to handle this bracket with the tender care I always have. I printed it out around 7:00 and took it to a classy restaurant. I pretended to be interested in its stories, and laughed politely at its bad jokes. I analyzed and picked, and I don't normally like to kiss and tell but. . . you know. I felt good, no, I felt great about my bracket. I entered the first weekend of the tournament with the confidence of Charlie Sheen in a room full of skanks. But then *poof*, the rug was pulled out from under me. If I were you, I would stop listening to me about College Basketball. It took only a few bad picks and suddenly I've lost all credibility and relevance. This must be what Nic Cage's Agent feels like.

-Yesterday Defending Champion Japan knocked the USA out of the World Baseball Classic. Japan will take on korea for the championship tonight. It has been three years since Japan won the inaugural classic. Three years seems like an odd number right? They have an odd way of deciding when they happen. It turns out that every year around December Major League Officials head to Milwaukee and drag Bud Selig from the hole he lives in. If he sees his shadow (steroid Allegations) they have a tournament. If not, 6 more weeks of Alex Rodriguez stories.

-Curt Schilling retired from Baseball today. In accordance with his transition to the role of media pariah, he announced his retirement from his blog, evengodwouldfeeluncomfortablejudgingthismuch.com. In his retirement Schilling claimed he had "No Regrets." He also has "No Filter" and "No Idea when to Shut Up." For those of you that haven't been reading his blog, poke around a little bit. Is there anything that has happened in the last four years that you haven't been able to formulate an opinion about? Curt's got you covered, the man has an opinion on everything. Even if you have a pretty good idea of what you believe, you should read what Schil says about it, just to make sure it lines up with the gospel according to Curt. Move over Rabbis, Priests and other leaders of society, it appears the requirements of a moral compass have dropped significantly. But if you think about it, wasn't Curt Schilling pitching with that bloody sock the closest thing we've had to a resurrection since JC? Depends who you ask (Try asking Curt). 

VOD - I Miss Football

I miss Football so much that I'm ready to believe these things. Its like (Spoiler Alert) believing in Santa Claus for the nog. 

You're Welcome

VOD - Illustrated Tommy Boy

Do You guys have any problem with today's video not being about Sports? Me neither.

The DiAntoni - Nelson Bet Pays Off for the Suns

In case your my-team-got-into-the-tournament celebration culminated in passing out before 10pm, you missed a good one in the Bay Area last night. The revamped Phoenix Suns dropped 154 on the offense-only Golden State Warriors, who scored a mediocre 130 on the night.

When Mike DiAntoni was still coaching in Phoenix, him and Warriors' coach, Don Nelson, had a running bet of who's team could make the most open jump shots while avoiding easy lay-ups and dunks. The stipulations of the bet: loser has to take the Knicks' head coaching job, and winner gets the always lovable Corey Maggette. Before long, both coaches were telling their players to stop jumpers at all costs, even if it meant giving up a lay-up or a dunk. In the end, DiAntoni lost the bet (and his job) while the Don welcomed the former lottery pick with open arms.

Afraid of such another bet occurring, Suns' GM, Steve Kerr, brought in defensive minded Terry Porter. However, after months of underachieving, Kerr finally realized that the past seasons' bet forced the best coaching out of DiAntoni, and only would another similar bet improve the 9th place Suns. So, out goes Porter, in comes Alvin Gentry, and a quick phone call to Don Nelson pegs the March 15th match-up in Golden State as the site for this years' shenanigans. While the conditions of the bet won't be released until the off-season, here's what ended up happening in the game:

1. The first quarter score, Suns 42 - Warriors 36, surpassed the Penn State-Illinois final game score.
2. A whopping 13 players scored in double figures (and 4 more scored 9).
3. Shaq bench-pressed the Suns' team trainer, then he proceeded to start the biggest earthquake in Cali since 1994.
4. The Suns shot 62.1% from the field, which is only 3 more percentage points than field goals they made (59).
5. Combined, the two teams took 186 shots. That's 1 shot every 12 seconds, maybe the shot clock should be reduced a little, 24 seconds is too long and slows down the game too much.

Daily Zoot - 3/16/09 - Selection Monday

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed to know yesterday, soon

Trying to fill out your Bracket? Stop! Let's face it, this is going to be another year of broken brackets and fractured friendships. If you're going to lose your bracket (which you are) why not blame your demise on us? Here are some of our picks that you can use, than trash among your friends later. We'll spot you one sure thing a round, you have to make the rest of the mistakes yourself.

First Round:

#14 Cornell over #3 Missou

-First Round Lock. Cornell has 7' whiz kid Jeff Foote, while Missouri's tallest player is only 6'9". That means they automatically win. That's how these games are decided, right?

Second Round:

#10 Maryland over #2 Memphis

I'd be way more confident if Maryland was playing the Memphis Grizzlies, but I think they still have a puncher's chance at upsetting the Tigers. By that I mean, if they can physically knock out Tyreke Evans, they have a shot.

Sweet Sixteen:

#12 Arizona over #1 Louisville

Louisville is coming off sweeping the Big East regular Season, and the Conference tournament titles. But I like Arizona to upset them as long as its is played in 1997.

Tune in tomorrow, and we'll bring you on home through the finals.In the meantime, here's a bracket for you to try. 

VOD - Proof

This video is for longevity purposes. When the tuhnament is over, we can look back and realize that the ESPN guys have even less of a clue than we do.

He Said It...

Them Sports Best Movie Ballers

This is part one of an epic collaboration to find the top ballers in the history of film. Tune in next week for our 2nd installment!

I want to make it clear that when I say baller I'm referring to athetlic prowess and dominance of their environment on and off the court. A baller has to be able to handle the situations given to him, play through adversity and come out with their dignity and sportsmanship intact. In support of their efforts, they are handsomely rewarded with street-cred in the film. And with that said, I give you our first Them Sports Best Movie Baller,

John Tucker

In case you've lived under a rock impervious to high school romantic comedies that made way too much money, he is the star of the movie "John Tucker Must Die." Talk about adversity. 

The movie is trash, we all know that. Blah blah blah, somehow three intensely attractive girls have all found out that they're dating the same guy and recruit a new-to-school hottie to "take down the man" that is our beloved John Tucker. Since when can a blonde, a brunette and a cheerleader do ANYTHING except for start a terrible joke?

Now, if we're talking statistics, this kid had to have set every shooting record set by God in this non-existant land. Not only does he make a buzzer-beater while telling a girl to call him, somehow he manages to complete a front-flip dunk; and I thought the X games were cool. Just kidding. I'm going to guess that he scores 90% of his high school team's points shooting at abouuut, I don't know - 98%? I'm neglecting to mention that he shoots a 95% for scoring hot girls, which leaves former scoring champ Tom Brady (90%) in the dust. Just about the only time he misses is when the head-feminist, (insert useless name here), puts powdered-shame into his steroids during practice. You'd expect cutting a man's juice and adversely doping him would make for a pissed-off teenager in Schwarzenegger's Austrian-roid chassis, but not our John. He keeps practicing even while being cursed with the disease that destroys basketball interest: Estrogen. Did I mention he throws tooootally awesome parties for the entire school for his own birthday? What a self-less act.

That's what I call a baller. Every girl he dates he feeds the same lines to and they buy it. He's worth more money than www.moneyfactory.gov  can print(yes, that's the real site). He is the top young athlete in his world, he gets away with doing steroids and he's set to break every record in front of him. He has charm, 'roid-raged physique and a dreamy haircut. I don't know any athlete like him, and that's why he's our Them Sports Movie Baller of this week.

Daily Zoot - 3/12/09 - Non Sequitur Edition

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed to know yesterday, soon

After a tough midterm week I feel more more burned out than Shaun Alexander with a case of the mondays. As a result I don't think I can give the Daily Zoot all it deserves. It will return in full capacity tomorrow when I've had time to locate the rest of my sanity. In the mean time, I thought I'd share a couple things going on in the world that you should be aware of:

This is the Alpheidae, or Pistol Shrimp. This is something that exists in our world. I'm not going to try and explain the sorcery that goes on when that shrimp thunder claps. All I know is that if animals are starting to evolve to the point that they naturally have their own weapons, I need to strap myself. I'd hate to be unprepared if I were to encounter a swordfish, or a kangaroo with boxing gloves.

This is the Jenga Pistol. Here are some other ways to destroy the games we all grew up loving:

-Start counterfeiting your own Monopoly money; there are no water seals. Also, bake a file into a cake before the game starts, in case you are crummy at rolling doubles.

-Play Guess Who with a race that you are not particularly familiar with. You'd be surprised how quickly you stop having when you can't distinguish the people on the cards from one another.

-Fat Free/Sugar Free Candy-land. It was designed to try and fight childhood obesity, but I think it has a shitty aftertaste.

This Week on Buzz Kill, Bubble ed.

- Maryland. When I put Georgetown in last week's edition, I thought about mentioning that the Terps were now the only NCAA tourney contender in the beltway. I knew better than that though.

- St. Mary's. There's no way two teams from the WCC should make the big dance when Gonzaga rolls through the conference tournament this easily.

- Kentucky. A weak SEC couldn't even help the Wildcats this season. Think forcing Tubby Smith out was still a good idea? I'm not hating on Gillespie, but the Tubster always got the best out of his team.

- Miami, Florida, Virginia Tech, Providence. All of these teams now hate Butler more than anything. Cleveland Rocks!

- Minnesota. The feel good story of the early season turned sour as soon as Big Ten play started. That win over Louisville looks great though. If Louisville wins the Big East, the Golden Gophers are in. Imagine, two former national championship coaches for Kentucky have quickly found success elsewhere. Take that Ashley Judd.

VOD - Tip Drill

He needed less contact with the ball to make that three point shot than I needed with my computer to make that video start playing.

Daily Zoot - 3/11/09

The Daily Zoot is all the news you needed yesterday, soon

-In The first round of World Baseball Classic, the Netherlands upset the favorites to win the whole thing, the Dominican Republic. They had to beat D.R. two times in 4 days to do it. Baseball fans have asked that steroids be let back in, if this is the way it's gonna be without them. The Netherlands is a small country on the northern shore of Europe. A little did ya Knowzy: The Netherlands are responsible for two of history's greatest slights against American innocence; the Yankees and Santa Claus. 

-Cleveland St. beat #17 Butler in the Horizon Conference Championship game last night, to secure a bid in the big dance. Its big news, because now that Butler has to go into the tournament as an at-large, it takes away a spot from other potential bubble teams *ahem*. Its hard to understand, here's an analogy: 

There are five dirty homeless men fighting over two pieces of bread, each hungrier than the last. It's not the best bread in the world; one piece already has a bite mark missing from it and the other has what they pray is jelly on it, but it's all they have. Suddenly, a millionaire walks onto the street. He's coming from a fancy restaurant where he was offered and turned down a free meal. But as Money Bags eyes that sad slice of bread, he feels a rumble in his tummy. So he steps over the homeless men, stepping on their faces with his $600 italian shoes, picks up a piece of the slum-toast and eats. He's full, but is he satisfied? No, not really. He knows he should have just taken the free meal. What about the homeless men? couldn't they have the free meal the millionaire turned down at the fancy restaurant, wouldn't that be fair? No, they don't fit the dress code, that food just gets thrown out, and not in a dumpster where they can find it. They're left to fight for the one remaining slice of bread, and it's the bad one too.

-The Jay Cutler situation in Denver has gone, "from bad to worse." Two weeks ago the Broncos offered Cutler in a trade, and it turns out no one had explained to Cutler that was a thing that happened. He broke down and now he wants a trade out of Denver to a team that will value him more. The whole thing is being handled by Cutler's agency firm; Marbury, Spreewell & Owens.

You Didn't Hear It From Us... pt. III

The Investigative journalists at Them Sports were able to uncover the winners of the College Basketball end of season awards before any other source, take that Hannah storm. This is part 3 of a 4 part series with the results.

Freshman of the Year:

Brandon Jennings

If you want to argue semantics, and I'm sure some of you do, I guess Freshman of the Year isn't totally accurate. Whatever you want to call it; Rookie of the year, Player of the year, Man of the year, Brandon Jennings deserves to win something, and I've learned to make exceptions since I voted for Barack Obama (I'm very prejudiced against Bulls Fans). His actions have transcended basketball. Simply put, he made a tremendous contribution to the advancement of the human condition.

It all began in 2004. The drafting of Robert Swift, a High Schooler/Shaun White impersonator/bust by the Seattle Supersonics was the straw that finally broke the camel's back. Prep to pro players that weren't ready were becoming too commonplace, and too often was a good education being passed over in lieu of fantastic wealth. Commissioner David Stern knew he had to close that door, lest another Swift walk through. He mandated that High School players must attend at least one year of college before entering the draft, and he continues to penalize the Franchise that finally pushed him over the edge (see: Boot from Seattle, Loss of name and banners, and jerseys that make them look like the away team on a sitcom about basketball). 

The rule was generally praised for putting a greater emphasis on education when many thought the game was beginning to lose that focus. But you can't please everyone, and everyone's name is Brandon Jennings; a classic prep-to-pro case. He was committed to play basketball at Arizona, and masquerade as a student at their university, when he found out  that his SAT scores weren't gonna cut it (What do you think is higher by the way, the minimum SAT requirement for the NCAA or the number of toes on your foot? All I'm saying is that when basketball players worry about tests they're usually paternity, not standardized). Jennings found himself between a rock and a hard place. A quitter would have studied hard for the next round of SATs and try to raise their score; Jennings would find a way. 

As it turns out, that NBA rule only requires that players be one year removed from their high-school graduation, not necessarily that they spend that year in college. It's like prison; you don't have to get better you just have to be there. Jennings exploited that loophole and signed a 1 year contract to play for Lottomatica in Rome, Italy. Much like internet porn, the euro basketball league has very "flexible" age restrictions. He would fulfill the NBA's requirement to be draft eligible and still avoid a free collegiate education, thank god. 

In this day in age, when no child is being left behind it would have been easy for Jennings to float with the pro-education current down the river of American Society. But revolutionaries tend to swim upstream. In doing so Jennings showed the world that the shackles of a free education don't have to bind those already burdened with supreme talent. He is the leader of new generation of high school athletes that won't take yes for an answer.

I called Jennings a revolutionary above with no hesitation. I look at him in the same class as George Washington for leading the colonies against the oppression of British rule, and Che Guevara for whatever it is he did. The problem is that revolutionaries are rarely recognized as such in their own time. Maybe in the future, when the demolition of the American Education System is finished, we can remember 2009 Them Freshman of the Year Brandon Jennings for swinging the first hammer.